I want much more than this provincial life

"I want adventure in the great wide, somewhere.
I want it more than I can tell
And for once, it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned."

Belle sang those words oh-so-beautifully in Disney's Beauty & Beast while running with arms wide open through a field behind her father's little farm, on a hill, overlooking a forest, a river, and mountains. I watched each and every Disney film released during the studio's Renaissance, and Belle was easily my favorite character from all those films.

I was seven when I met her, having learned how to read maybe a year or two prior, and already obsessed with books. Even at that age, I related to her because all I wanted to do was read. My sweet Mom took me to the public library at least once a week. If it had been up to me, however, I'd have been there everyday, much like Belle frequented the town's bookshop. It would take no more than two days for me to read the books I checked out and so I was left to re-read them until our next trip. I memorized so many books. Crazy little creature, I was.

Now as an adult, I still love to read, though it saddens me that I do not do it as often as I should. It has been a couple of months since I was absolutely consumed by a book. Still, I relate to my old friend Belle, mostly because I want adventure now. I want to travel and try unimaginable things. I want to scream from the top of my lungs from excitement that can not be contained. I want to spring my muscles into action, I want to dance out of joy in impromptu locales, I want to see animals and flowers and trees that I have never seen before.

I don't want to settle without my senses being stirred by novel sights, scents, and sounds. I want adventure anywhere and everywhere, including here in Dallas, here in Texas, here in the States. A few weeks ago, I made a trip to San Marcos and floated the Guadalupe River for the first time. That was enough of a first step to encourage me to take more. Now is the perfect time to make lasting memories.

Now is also the time to read read read. To live a thousand lives through the books that I lose myself in. And so with a clear mind and eyes and heart set on adventure, I will work to not be dulled by what is planned and expected. Life is too short for that, don't you think?

Peace

I feel that I go through life trying to make peace with everything that happens around me and everything that happens to me. I can be extremely sensitive, insanely emotional, ridiculously analytical, and my goodness, I dwell on things like none other. Such things make it difficult for me to find tranquility. However, apart from being happy, being at peace with life is another goal that I need to set out to achieve each and everyday. I need to end each day being both happy and peaceful. One day at a time. One daisy day at a time.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.

It's July already!

Oh, no. I said I was going to write more. Here we are over a month later and nothing. Not wanting to make excuses for myself, but here's the thing. A few things, actually:

• I started my new job and my hours are bat-shit crazy. Pardon my language.
• My computer has been down. That tech-savvy fella that I keep around (his name is Dustin) fixed it for me last weekend, though. Such joy. I bought him a steak dinner to thank him. Wait, no. That was us celebrating our two-and-a-half anniversary. I say he pays for year-anniversaries and I pay for half-years. 
• Blogging from my phone just doesn't cut it. How can I write well with such restrictions?

Here I am again, though. This last month has been a huge adjustment for me. A new job with the aforementioned crazy hours. A lot to learn, new people to learn to work with, a new schedule. I have been so busy that I didn't see my friends during the entire month of June so I miss them terribly. Thankfully, my schedule varies even more this month and I have the next two Mondays off. Fun times with friends up ahead, for sure.

Fun times in Dallas up ahead in general. I am so excited and looking forward to life here again. I am determined to make the most of living here since I feel like I missed out so much while I was away. I want to do it all and go everywhere. Museums, parks, trails, restaurants, bars, shows, events, everything! I also want to run a 5K. Right now I have my eye on the Santa Fe Trail 5K, but October seems very far away. Pub crawls, zombie walks, Shakespeare in the Park. Fun fun fun.

Here's hoping that I keep my job and keep a positive mentality. Hoping that people and attitudes don't get the best of me. Hoping that I don't dwell on the terrible things that are said to me. Hoping that I enjoy life as if this is the best time to have the best times.

Have a fantastic day!

100 things I would like to try

This is an easy prompt because I can format it as a list and not an essay. It will still require some creativity on my part, though. One-hundred things is quite a bit to come up with! Here goes...

1. Belly dancing
2. Sewing
3. Playing an instrument
4. Gardening
5. Photography
6. Painting
7. Tandem bicycling
8. Building a sandcastle
9. Ride the world's tallest roller coaster
10. Running a 5K
11. Learning to skate backwards
12. Renewing old furniture
13. SXSW
14. Fun Fun Fun Fest
15. Meet Glen Hansard
16. Meet Frank Turner
17. Crashing a wedding
18. Win an award
19. Master the French language
20. Save more animals
21. Cook a full-course meal
22. Go to every vegan restaurant near me
23. Run around White Rock Lake
24. Get my boyfriend into running
25. Get my boyfriend into ANY type of exercise
26. Help my loved ones make healthy choices
27. Creative writing
28. Go to all the museums near me
29. Building something
30. Create a closet worthy of envy
31. Become better at dealing with heartbreak
32. Avoid heartbreak
33. Be a better daughter, sister, girlfriend, cousin, friend, etc.
34. Remaining humble
35. Plan a cheap but pretty wedding
36. Vegetarian sushi
37. Get accepted again
38. French-braid my own hair
39. Having a healthy sleep schedule
40. Eat lots of fruits and veggies every day
41. Wearing contacts
42. A good, consistent workout regime
43. New mix-n-match outfits
44. Staying in love with life
45. Keeping my head up
46. Be a better listener
47. Don't allow myself to be hurt so easily
48. Don't allow bitter, angry, envious, drunken words to hurt me
49. Learn the choreography to... something
50. Staying in touch with people who matter to me
51. Be retweeted by someone I admire (besides Bryce Avary... done that)
52. Learn to make Mom's awesome enchiladas
53. Learn to make Mom's awesome arroz
54. Parasailing (if that's what it's called)
55. Jet-skiing
56. Make the most baddest, awesomest music playlists ever
57. Stop being such a grammar snob
58. Continue making good grammatical choices myself
59. Go to more shows
60. Save money
61. Travel
62. Explore DFW
63. Explore Texas
64. Get Dustin to meet my family in Mexico
65. Remember the Alamo
66. Discover new music
67. New hairstyles
68. New hair color
69. Be less judgmental
70. Be a better listener
71. Complain less
72. Skydiving
73. Hold as many species of animals as possible
74. Have toned abs
75. Go vegan
76. Finish Ana Karenina
77. Have a favorite author
78. Avoid getting the flu
79. Go another 14 years without vomiting
80. Maintain my weight
81. Not overwhelm myself by adopting too many animals
82. Visit Mexico more often
83. Try veggie burgers from every local restaurant that offers them
84. Get people to try being vegetarians
85. Keep an open mind
86. Always love
87. Go through a "haunted house" by myself
88. Read more books in Spanish
89. Becoming an expert bargain shopper
90. Avoid getting split ends
91. Collect more vinyl records
92. Keep my record player working
93. Remain decluttered
94. Laugh laugh laugh
95. Remember what matters
96. Listen to The Adventure Club every week
97. Like babies and children a little more
98. Spend less time on the interwebz
99. Being a forward thinker
100. Continue writing

Done. It only took me three days.

Becoming a writer

I enjoy writing, I really do. And I enjoy sharing what I write and getting feedback, which is why I blog. What I don't like is always writing about all my problems and how I'm trying oh-so-hard to fix them. That gets boring, doesn't it? That's not how I do life. Life is to be enjoyed and it isn't just about the present moment. Life is past moments and moments you look forward to experiencing. Life is good if you allow what is good to surface and fixate yourself on that rather than focusing on all that is wrong.

In an effort to become a bit more creative with my blog and to surface the greatness, I will be using prompts from this website and writing away. I am actually really looking forward to this and should add that this is yet another bright side. I have time to be creative again. Hooray for that! :)

Update

Well, friends. I have a job.

It's not entirely official yet, there is paperwork to be done and a background check to pass, but a position was offered to me and I accepted. The pay is great, the benefits are amazing, I don't have to work on weekends, and I'll be working in neurology. You know, MRIs, CT scans, brain surgeries, and such. No big deal. ;)

As I mentioned before, I will also be submitting an application to UNT next week and hopefully start working towards a Master's degree in Public Health as soon as this fall. I just need to get some things in order and get transcripts prepared. Then I will be well on my way. I should hear back from them in about two weeks. Amazing.

This past week has been crazy going from one interview to another. When permanently moving back to Dallas became a reality, I immediately worried about not being able to find a job. How silly of me. I have been getting phone calls and emails out the wazoo! Weighing my options became quite the hassle. Lucky for me, I didn't give myself time to be stressed because I was too busy spending time with the people I have missed so much.

I played ball and went for a stroll with Cent, Heather, and Tee on Monday. Odet and Edith came to visit me on Tuesday. Yesterday, I went shopping with Jonathan. Today, I had lunch with Edgar, Edith, Odet, and Christie. I've been everywhere from Lake Ray Hubbard to Deep Ellum to Uptown. All of this just emphasized how thrilled I should feel to be back with these people and in this town.

I do feel thrilled. It's more than a feeling, though. I am thrilled.

Happy weekend everyone!

Up up up above

Things are looking up now. They're not entirely perfect, but definitely not as bleak as they were early last week.

I have a job interview this afternoon, go me. Over the weekend, I applied for four different openings all over the Metroplex. This is the only one I have heard back from. This morning, I've already applied for two additional openings. I am becoming obsessed with this whole job search thing. I couldn't even tell you how I found three of the postings. I just google various things, go to whatever sites come up, and then I'm off on tangents. Ah, well.

The other news is that I will hopefully start working towards a Master's Degree in Public Health from UNT this fall. It should take a year or two to complete and it is perfect considering that it's relevant to veterinary medicine and I can take my classes online. I can keep a full-time job, y'all! My goal is to boost my GPA back up in hope of getting back into vet school.

I also can't express how happy I am to be back in Dallas. I truly am. Yesterday, as I was riding with Dustin  from his place near Plano back to Dallas, I just looked around and was thankful to be back in DFW. As we were exiting to get to my parents' place, I pointed out a billboard advertising legal services with the words "Baby Mama Drama?" printed across it in huge red letters. Oh yes, I am home.

I am also happy to say that Dustin and I will are doing well. We had a good weekend together that culminated with us spending Sunday evening at The Ballpark together to watch the Rangers beat those freakin' Angels. My problem has been that with all this free time (I can't remember the last time I wasn't either in school or working full-time), all I do is think think think and overanalyze things. I find cracks where they don't necessarily exist and stress myself out over nothing. I have definitely been doing this where my relationship with Dustin was concerned. I'm beginning to trust that we will be okay, though, which is finally giving me some much-needed peace of mind.

That's where I currently stand, friends. Hopefully, I'll have some nice updates for y'all soon!

Backyardigan

I'm sitting in my parents' backyard, watching my nephew shoot some hoops. Mom never changes. He said he wanted to come outside to play, but she wouldn't let him because she couldn't watch him. She's working on dinner. Mom was always like that. My brother and I could never do a thing unless we were being well-supervised, preferably by her. No one could watch us better than she did, of course. She's always been such a great mom.

It's always weird coming back here. Obviously, I don't spend much time here anymore. I remember how big this yard once seemed and how Mom would warn me not to go past the garage. Then I'd be too close to the alley and who knew who or what could be lingering back there. Again, she always sided with caution. I was never afraid, though. I read too many books and figured there was too much to imagine, too many spaces to explore, and too many adventures to experience to be held back by fear. Those were the first lessons that books taught me.

I want to be that little girl again. I want to renew my sense of adventure. Not only that, but I want the promise of a bright, long future back. I want to have endless possibilities in front of me. I want to be fearless.

My nephew is giving his own play-by-play as he shoots... Where did my own imagination and idealism go?

I also remember spending hour upon hour with my dogs out here. Running around and making them do tricks. Although, I'm not in school anymore, I can still enjoy the company of animals. I can't give up on them. They are still my life.

Being here is nice. Just another thing that I probably needed without even realizing it. I even got a good laugh. Why on earth would my parents get such a lawnmower? They crack me up!

Rejection

The decision was no. I can not stay. I tried, but it wasn't enough.

The most immediate thing that I have to do now is find a job. After that, start thinking of how I am going to get them to accept me again. I have some ideas, but they're not concrete.

When the decision was final, I was calm. I was in the middle of texting Dustin when I received the call so he was the first person I told. I am still calm. This is a setback, sure. A major setback, but it's not the end of the world and it's not the end of my dream either. I'm still dusting myself off and probably over-analyzing everything that went wrong and led to my fall, but I will be okay again.

To be honest, I am looking forward to being back in Dallas and to have free time again. This gives me the opportunity to enjoy life again, something that I haven't felt that I've been able to do since school started. Of course, I'd rather continue with school, but I have to look on the bright side. There is good that will come out of this.

So that's that. I'm heading to Dallas later this afternoon. I'll have to come back to move everything out of my little apartment, but that can wait until later this month. I'm ready to be home now. I'm ready to smile again.

Can't stop!

Seriously, I deactivate facebook and now I can't stop blogging or tweeting! This is good, though. I would much rather blog than update my status or post links to this or that on facebook. Actually, the majority of the time I was on facebook, I was only being nosey. You know... Reading others' posts and looking at their pictures and following drama along and so on. Quite stupid.

I blog during adversity. This is a trend that I first noticed years ago, when I still blogged on myspace [I keep telling myself that I need to figure out how to export those posts onto this site, but I never bother to do it]. My "spills" are the most thoughtful and longest of posts. All my posts are honest, but I am a lot more transparent in times of trouble. I let it all out.

It's funny, isn't it? How troubles never stop coming? You think you have dealt with it all only to be hit with another massive punch. It'd be foolish for me to believe that this is the worst that is ever going to happen to me. Oh, far from it, I'm sure. Life has more in store for me, without a doubt. I just have to allow myself to continue to grow. I have to know that I can manage my way through the hardship, no matter what else is going on around me. No matter the world, no matter the people in it, no matter my loneliness, no matter how abandoned I feel.

I bought a book, probably two years ago when I was actually happy, called Bounce Back. I must have known that I would need it someday. Again, life isn't pretty all the time. A lesson I had already learned and one that I am continuing to learn. It's being beaten into my pea-brain! When you're falling, dive, says the book, the quote credited to Joseph Campbell. Dive. Plunge.

It's easy to be your strongest, highest self when things are rolling along smoothly. But how you handle life's setbacks and traumas reveals your authentic character. If you can be strong during challenging times, then... well, you truly ARE a disciplined and spirited person. And this identity makes you not only a very cool person but a very happy person.


Don't you just love books? Like music, they always have the words that I need, when I need them most.

So I wasn't strong or disciplined when challenges presented themselves to me during the semester. Son of a biscuit, eh? But there is no point dwelling on the past, not unless I'm conjuring up plans on how to avoid repeating my mistakes. It is time to be a forward thinker. Forward. Carry on, carry on. I am going to be strong and I am going to be happy. Nothing and nobody can take my happiness away unless I allow it. Dammit, I am not going to allow it. No way, no how.

I know how amazing I am. It's nice to have people tell me that I'm amazing. Cent, my parents, my brother. It's even nicer to tell myself that, though. I am an amazing person. I deserve happiness. I am going to keep smiling and helping and dancing and loving.

And I'm gonna go to a Rangers game. I am. Michael Young is Mexican.