Honest

Blogger has changed and I am not quite "getting" the changes made.

Regardless, it's time for me to spill. Not just a vague spill like the last one I made. I mean a spill with excruciating details that won't be easy for me to disclose. I feel that I should just do it, though. If I end up regretting it, I'll just make it private and pretend no one read it. [insert sheepish smile]

Where do I start?

I should just throw it out there. I might get kicked out of vet school. The powers that be at school put it a bit more nicely, though. I am going to be dismissed. I had less-than-spectacular grades going into finals, but I planned to kick ass on my exams and be fine. I was going to bring those grades up and move on to my second year. That did not happen. Far from it. I choked. Big time. My crummy grades are unacceptable and so... I'm done.

There is one tiny little opportunity to stay, but it depends on my professors and my ability to persuade them that I not only deserve to stay, but that I also won't repeat the mess that I made this past semester. Honestly, though, I just need to get my shit together. I was homesick, my relationship with Dustin felt strained (it's even worse now), and then my Mom went to the hospital. It was more than I could handle, apparently, which sucks. Grrrr, I wish I could have been stronger. I should have been stronger! Dammit dammit dammit.

When I found out, when I first saw my grades, I felt my world fall apart. Actually, all throughout last week, the week of finals, I was stressed beyond reason. My poor family had to deal with me. So did Dustin. How many times did I call him crying and feeling defeated? How many times did he try to get me to snap out of it? How many times did I bring him down with me? Too many. Now he's so distant. I waited seven weeks to see him, I missed him miserably for seven weeks, only to have to endure a cold reunion.

I really did feel ruined when I saw my grades. If I think too much about it, I still do. I cried. And cried and cried and cried. I stayed in bed, I stopped eating, I couldn't smile or laugh or enjoy anything. I expressed all of this to Dustin. Dustin who's in Dallas living his own life, but having to deal with the wreck that I had become, not knowing when I would be okay again. I drained him. I was unfair, I thought that he could handle me in what is without a doubt the lowest point in my life. I can't even handle myself, why should I expect him to handle me? So then, I felt as though I had ruined my relationship too. Seriously, life. Butcher everything all at once, why don't you? Might as well.

Dustin tells me not to focus too much on our relationship and that I should focus on school. Really? How can I not focus on something that is also supposed to be a part of my future? It made me happy too. It was a huge part of me. Am I supposed to ignore that? I am a romantic, I always have been, and I told him this from the very beginning! I'm losing that romance and it hurts. No more kisses. No more hugs. No flowers, smiles, holding hands, compliments. No affection. It's a bitch to lose that.

It's not easy.

I'm taking the steps necessary to try to stay in school. The verdict will be given to me on Wednesday morning. I honestly haven't thought of anything beyond that. Right now, I don't know what I'll be doing next week, the rest of the summer, the rest of the year. I don't know where I'll be. I don't know if Dustin and I will still be together. It's such a strange position to be in. I'm in limbo.

All I want is to be happy. I think that I need to be in vet school to be happy. I think that I need to be planning a future with Dustin to be happy. I can find happiness elsewhere, though, right? Happiness surrounds us. There is still so much that is wonderful in this world. There are other dreams to dream, there are other opportunities, redemption will come eventually.

I know I need to be patient, strong, and hopeful. I need to keep finding the joy in life. I need to absorb everything that I do have left and let it all fulfill my battered little heart.

I'll be okay. I keep telling myself that I will be okay. Honestly, I'm starting to believe it.

Thanks for reading. Leave me a comment? This is a formal plea for some much-needed encouragement. Thank you again.

-Daisy