Wish List

All I ever do nowadays is make lists of things that must get done. Things that must be studied. Pages that must be read. And so on. How about a list of things I want for a change?

• washer and dryer
• coffee table
• huge whiteboard
• curtains
• outdoor furniture for my balcony
• plants

That's not too much to ask for, is it?

Too bad I'm a poor, non-employed, beyond full-time student living off financial aid and the generosity of a loving family.

Plus one! Plus one! Plus one!

Join Google + if you have not done so already. So much better than facebook, it just needs to get going (i.e. it needs more people to join and actually use it). Once you have joined, look me up and add me to one of your circles. Good times, y'all. Good times.

Also, enjoy this video. I was obsessed with it about four years ago or so. I don't know why I don't listen to Feist anymore. I need to fix that.

Need more enjoyment? Here ya go. Another video/song I was obsessed with four years ago. I definitely still listen to Yelle and actually went to her show in Dallas earlier this year. An awesome Valentine's Day gift from the one I love.

Off to study now! Joy!

Uh Oh

Insomnia has attacked. Talk about bad timing. Still, I will force myself to get out of bed reasonably early tomorrow morning in a few hours. I have quite a bit of studying to do. Actually, I have a lot of studying to do. I will more than likely be getting an average of five hours of sleep from now through Thursday night. Then, finally, FINALLY, I will go home to Dallas again. I should be there by Friday night. Oh, my little heart needs to be home so badly.

With my facebook account deactivated, and with the limited amount of characters allowed per tweet on twitter, I find myself blogging a lot more often. Have y'all noticed? I actually like this. I really do enjoy blogging. This is my seventeenth post this month! What's even more rewarding is that people actually read my blog. YOU read my blog, you! Thank you. Granted, I don't always know who has read what or what they think unless it is mentioned to me in conversation or, the more popular medium, via text message.

I do not understand why everyone is so shy to comment. I like and welcome comments, honestly, just like I do on facebook. You don't even need a blogger account to leave one. You can either use your google account or leave one anonymously. Okay, now I feel like I am practically begging for comments, so I'll stop. :)

3:00 AM. Seriously? I texted Dustin just a few moments ago with hopes that he'd still be up and make me feel better about not being able to sleep. He can stay up pretty damn late, that guy. As my luck would have it, not tonight, though.

I guess I'll do some more studying. As always, I am at least thankful for having my furry companions here with me. A Canelo Dog hug, Cholula Belle kisses, cradling Smartie Boo, and a purring Miguel all together equal love and comfort. What would I do without my beloved babies?

For Dustin.

Even as I study, I think of him.

Music always picks me up.

El Bolero de Ravel. My uncle introduced me to this piece of music when I was around ten years old. I had more than likely heard it before, but he had me listen to it carefully and gave an identity to it. Since then, it has remained one of my favorite pieces, one that I could listen to repeatedly, one that can give me some uplifting. The music may seem repetitive to some, but you have to listen to the intricacy of all the instruments and how they all play off one another. It's perfect, especially the closer it gets to its magnificent end.

This video makes me so happy. I just found it a few minutes ago and have already watched it three times. I cried the first time I watched it. No idea why, I'll figure that out later. I just felt an urgent need to share it. So here it is:

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, even if you don't love Bolero as I love it.

On a side note, I desperately wish I knew how to play an instrument, any instrument. Maybe it is something I can accomplish somewhere down the line. Something else to look forward to amidst all the  funk surrounding me as of lately.

Happy Saturday, everyone.

Spilling.

Well. Suffice to say that tonight did not turn out anything like I had hoped or expected it to.

I popped/injured my jaw. Again. Third time in two months, but it had never happened to me before. I honestly don't know what gives and wonder if this is an indication that I should have it checked out. Point is, I am in excruciating pain once more, physical pain to match my mental/emotional pain.

I had been wanting to cry all day while I was at school, and not because of my jaw. That incident didn't occur until I was nearly home. Honestly, a few tears did escape, but they did so during a lecture so nobody noticed. At least I don't think anybody did. Regardless, I was able to hold it together all day long and couldn't wait to get home and simply let loose.

Let loose I did.

I got home at around 5:30, went straight to my bedroom, kicked off my boots, changed into pajamas, crawled into bed, burrito'd myself in my blanket, and cried. Cried, cried, cried. Not just tears, either, oh no. I sobbed, nice and loudly, right into sleep. I woke up nearly two hours later because I received a text message from my sweet sweet Dustin. "I love you," it read. So simple, but as appreciated and meaningful as ever. I was in no mood to watch the game because it only served as a reminder that Dustin was not with me, so I got up and showered instead.

I must have been in there for half an hour. Ridiculous, right? (I pose these questions, but no one ever answers! They are not rhetorical. Comments, friends!) I did not want to come out. I wanted to stay in there, away from the world, eyes closed because the water was falling into my face, and just forget about everything. My loneliness, my disappointment, the week of exams ahead of me, the stress, everything. I realize that I wasted water, but I recycle vehemently and do not eat meat. My constant enviro-friendliness should more than make up for my one night of reckless waste. I needed it.

Wouldn't it be great if all unhappy thoughts and feelings could be washed away with tears and showers?

I'm rambling tonight, please bear with me.

So I crawled back into bed (after I felt guilty enough about the water being wasted to get out of the shower) and started to send Dustin a long string of text messages that essentially declared my current state of funk. He is so great to put up with it. During the baseball game, no less! This is why I constantly brag about what a great boyfriend he is. He just is! Oh how I miss him!

Dustin is my first love. At twenty-five, I fell in love for the first time and it was with him. Before meeting and falling for him, people (er... women) would react with surprise when I admitted that I had never been in love, especially the more I aged. Many of them congratulated me. "Good," they would say. "Being in love leads to so much trouble. You are not in control of yourself when you are in love. It complicates things." I listened, only because I wanted to convince myself that I was better off being alone, that love could and should wait, that I had other things to experience before experiencing love. They couldn't be entirely right, though. Not when there are so many songs about how beautiful love is. Never mind the fairy tales and the happily ever after movies. Music assured me that love is good, that romance exists, that falling was more of a rising.

Now I am in love, and those ladies were correct to a certain extent. I would not be so miserable if I didn't love Dustin so much. I wouldn't feel so lonely if the time I have already spent with him throughout our relationship wasn't incredible. I wouldn't long to see him so much, the disappointment would be less severe, I could simply watch a dumb movie and immediately feel better. That is not the case, though. I AM FUCKEN BUMMED. This is what love has done to me. And that is fine.

Our fairy tale ending will come. This is us working to get there. This is our struggle (I feel that I struggle more than he does, but I may be entirely wrong. I know he feels it too, he just does not want to tell me so because I think he feels that it will somehow make me feel guilty(?) or feel worse about being away. I don't know. This is probably something he and I should talk about). This is the rising action of the plot. We will romance each other throughout before the grand finale. Then we will live our lives as two of the happiest lovebirds that could ever be! We will give hope to those still waiting for love or those who have been burned by love! Love is true, it exists, it beats you down at times, but it never ceases to be beautiful!

Aside from crying, writing helps me get through my funks. I better take my poor Canelo Dog out now.

Disappointing Days.

The amount of disappointment that I have had to withstand this past month is enough to send a person into a severe depression. Seriously. It's one thing after another. Thankfully, deep down inside, I'm a happy daisy and someway somehow, I keep it together. That is not to say that I don't break down and cry sometimes, because I definitely do, but then I suck it up and keep going. What other choice do I have?

If I look for happiness, I find it.

Earlier this evening, Canelo and I took a walk at the park that is just across the street from our apartment. As we turned the corner of the pond that is near the end of the park, I noticed a young couple staring up into the trees. They were young, obviously college students, and each one was holding a pair of binoculars. They were out bird-watching, which I thought was the most adorable thing. Canelo and I walked a bit farther, turned another corner on the trail and came across another couple, probably in their mid to late thirties, enjoying a big beautiful meal on one of the park's several picnic tables.

I couldn't help but smile. Both couples were just so cute! It's one of the many things that has changed since I myself have fallen in love. Before, whenever I saw such couples I would be filled with rather negative feelings. Jealousy, self-pity, an intense longing. Now, it makes me so happy. I love love. It's so great to see couples as in love as Dustin and I are!

Last week also had its own happy moment. When I arrived at school on Thursday morning, I noticed several of my classmates wearing purple for Spirit Day. Later in the morning, as I walked through the hallways, I noticed members from the upper classes (2VMs and 3VMs*) wearing purple as well! It was great. One of my classmates even changed out of her nice purple blouse (students usually dress professionally for the first half of our days when we have lectures) and into purple scrubs (students usually change into scrubs for the second half of our days when we have labs) to show her spirit and support all day long. Needless to say, I think she is pretty damn awesome.

I am also happy to say, that last week flew by. Seriously, it went by so quickly! I am hoping this one does the same as I get to see my Dustin FINALLY at the end of it. Friday can not get here soon enough.

With that, I will go off and be happy and hopefully get some sleep soon because I am beyond exhausted. Uff.

*There are four classes at the vet school, just like there are at Hogwart's, although they have more at Hogwart's. I am a first year, as are my classmates, and we are designated as 1VMs. Second years are 2VMs, third years are 3VMs, and the elusive fouth years are 4VMs. When we graduate, we are DVMs, of course. Whoop!

No time for hating.

Every time a teenager commits suicide because of homophobic bullying, my heart breaks a little. I wish I could find each and every kid is who is being harassed or picked on for being his or herself and tell them that they are perfect and absolutely worthy of love. I want to find the fucken bullies and let all hell loose on them! I just want them to stop! I know that they are kids as well and probably dumb as rocks, but when lives are on the line? They need some wrath laid upon them. Ugh.

Anyhow. I guess a few years ago Texas A&M opened an GLBT Resource Center on campus. There has been an GLBT organization on campus since the mid-80s, but now there is this center dedicated to educating the college and community about GLBT issues, which I think is fantastic! This center did not exist when I was an undergraduate and the fact that it is operating now fills me with hope. Progress. One step at a time.

This is a poster high-lighting campus events revolving around GLBT History Month. I wish I had the time to attend them all, but unfortunately, I do not. Again, though, I just think it's so wonderful that in this conservative armpit town in middle-of-nowhere, Texas, such events are taking place.

I bought a plain, cheap purple shirt over the weekend. I will be wearing it on Thursday in support of GLBT Aggies and in opposition to hate.

Love. Always love.

This is me.

During our nice, lengthy phone conversation on Friday night, Dustin suggested that we both refrain from listening to sad music and instead listen to music that makes us happy or lifts our spirits. The Rocket Summer's music is so stupid-happy that it was immediately what I thought of.

I first listened to this song in 2003 when I became a fan of The Rocket Summer and downloaded his first full-length album, Calendar Days. I was a grand-whopping eighteen years-old. An adult, by legal standards, but still mostly a child in every way imaginable. I was a freshman at TCU and thinking about transferring to Texas A&M because I wanted to go to vet school someday (here I am, eighteen year-old Daisy). I wasn't entirely sure of how to do it, how to plan for it, or even if it was the best move, and listening to this song over and over again somehow reminded me that it was normal to be unsure.

I don't know what I am doing now and I won't try to act like it cos I sure don't know how. And I'll admit that I don't know just where I'm going on this long and winded road that's taking me to what will be my home.

Something is what I'm gonna be. And what you is what you do. And what I do needs to be true. The things I do maybe need to be thought through.

But I know what I want to do and I want it to be true. And yeah, I'll be the first to say that of course, I'll listen to you, but just remember what's right for me might be not right for you.

Nearly ten years later, at twenty-seven, of course I know where I am going and what I'm doing. I am in school to finally become a veterinarian. I will graduate and join my Dustin and spend the rest of my life with him. These last couple weeks, however, have at times made me wonder if I belong here (I know I do) and if I can do this (of course I can). It's those little uncertainties and doubts from years ago creeping back up on me. I'll make it, though. One The Rocket Summer song at a time, I will make it.

Irony.

This is what I tweeted last Sunday before leaving Dallas to come back to College Station...

Daisy Martinez (@dangdaisy) has shared a Tweet with you: "dangdaisy: This week's goodbye was so much easier because I know I'm going to see him next weekend."

What a bummer, eh?

rebound

I gave myself until today to be sad and upset. I realize that I never made the reason I was feeling down very clear. Dustin and my family (more than likely my Dad and brother) were supposed to visit me this weekend. It is the ideal weekend for a visit from them given that I don't have any exams coming up this week. With the Rangers losing on Thursday, however, and Game 6 being played in Arlington tonight, their plans to visit were canceled. I don't blame them, of course. I knew that this was a possibility since they had tickets and my Dad makes a killing buying and reselling. Still, I couldn't help being overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, disappointment, and loneliness.

You see, as I have mentioned before, I become a total wreck when I say goodbye to Dustin. Last Sunday was different, though, because I was convinced that I would be seeing him again soon, on Friday evening. Thus, that goodbye was much like the ones we shared when I still lived in Dallas. I was okay, it felt great knowing that in just five days, we'd be together again. On Tuesday evening, I had dinner at a gourmet pizza place in downtown Bryan with some classmates and our faculty mentors. Downtown Bryan is so quaint and I immediately started thinking about how nice it'd be for Dustin and me to spend Saturday evening just strolling around from shop to shop and bar to bar much like we did when we went to the Fort Worth Stockyards last spring. I was so excited about the weekend. Oh so excited.

Then the Rangers lost.

Five days have turned into many more days. It will probably be at least two weeks until I see him again (I can't go home or have any visitors next weekend because of another exam the Monday that follows). That's eighteen or nineteen days altogether. Pretty big difference, I dare say. Had I known that it would be so long, I would not have been so casual the last time I said goodbye to him. Instead of being alone in my apartment typing this up right now, I should be enjoying the day with him.

Anyhow, being sad is not a luxury I can afford. I didn't watch Atonement last night after all. Instead, I talked to Dustin for about two hours and went straight to bed. So far today, I have done a lot of cleaning and organization, which has made me feel very good. I just feel more in control of life when things, my belongings, and my surroundings are in order and clean. That's what I need. I need to be in control. So for the remainder of the day, I will be studying. I will be accepting my fate.

Life can be good.

I had to do it.

I deactivated my Facebook account.

When I logged in this morning, half the posts made by my friends were about the awesome weekends they each have ahead of them. Several friends are going to tomorrow night's ballgame in Arlington. A few are going to tomorrow's Aggie football game. A few more will be going to The State Fair. A small group of friends is going to a haunted house tonight. There are plans for costume shopping and pumpkin patches and all sorts of fun October activities. One of my friends is even going on a weekend getaway with her husband. Another just landed in Vegas.

Not what I need to see or read about all weekend. Account deactivated.

Have a splendid day.

Robot Daisy?

What's the saddest music to have ever been recorded? Whatever it is, I want to listen to it. I can't think of anything right now because I typically don't listen to sad music. I'm usually a happy daisy, you know? The only song that comes to mind, because it is currently a hit, I believe, is Adele's Someone Like You. Saddest films? I have that down: The Pianist and Atonement. I actually think I'll watch the latter tomorrow night since I won't have anything better to do, since I'll be alone.

I want to be numb and not give a damn, but I fear becoming a total bitch and worsening the situation. I just can't allow myself to be so upset, though. It is actually the last thing I need right now. The last thing I need this semester.

Whyyyyyyyy?

I'm back.

I have reluctantly made my way back to College Station after spending less than two days in Dallas. No where near enough time. I spent the majority of the weekend studying, which makes things that much sadder. Still, I spent so much time with my sweet Dustin. Even with a brief unpleasant moment, it was still a wonderful weekend with him.

Let's just say that I was a bitch and pissed him off. He reacted as strongly as you would expect a man to and said some nasty, hurtful things to me. He loves me, though. It didn't take long for him to apologize to me. At that point, I let all my frustration, the frustration caused by school that is, I let it all out and had myself a very good crying session, all while his arms comforted me. I felt how much he loves me, I wish he could comfort me like that all the time. He would if he could, if he was with me at all times. Of course, that is not the case and I end up holding things in until he is with me. I can not imagine life without him. I haven't been able to for a very long time now.

I also got a much-needed hug from my Mom, although she was not and is still not aware of how drained and disappointed I have been feeling as of lately. No need to make her worry. Just gotta let her keep on supporting me and loving me and cheering me on. That wonderful lady spent most of today in the kitchen making a variety of food for me to bring back to College Station with me. I will be well-fed all this week because of her. It reminds me of how much I miss her cooking for me!

I realize that I write a lot about Dustin and my Mom. Here's the bottom line: I want to be taken care of.

Fending for myself isn't all that fun. Ah well. It must be done.

I do love me some sports!

Dustin and I both made posts about the Detroit-New York game seconds within one another. It wasn't even a game involving our team, but it does affect our Rangers, I guess. Still, it is just further proof that he and I are absolutely perfect together. I love my sports-lovin' man!

Since I'm on the topic of sports, earlier this week, after the Cowboys epic fail against, coincidentally, Detroit, Dirk made a tweet in reference to Tony Romo. Actually, I should say, it was directed at Tony Romo. Something along the lines of encouraging Romo not to be too hung up on the loss (although, seriously, dude CHOKED) and to not listen to all his critics and those who doubt him. Dirk mentioned that he had his own critics as well and pointed out that he was finally able to shut them up.

Dirk, I love you and that was very kind of you, but you are DIRK NOWITZKI. Romo doesn't even begin to compare to you. As we say in Spanish, "No te llega ni a los talones," and that's not just because you're seven-feet tall. For real.

I better get back to studying. Go Rangers!

Tommorrow, tomorrow

I'm going home tomorrow afternoon. This week was rough and disappointing and has left me feeling like I am in a huge hole that I myself dug. Simply put, it sucks. I can not wait to be home tomorrow and get a hug from my Mom, whom I haven't seen in over a month (sad daisy). I miss her. I miss her encouragement and her taking care of me. I even miss our arguments. I definitely miss her cooking! Sometimes I wish she would come stay with me for a week, but man, what a drag that would be for her! Hahaha What the hell would she do here all day?!

I'll see her and hug her tomorrow, though. My number one fan, I love her.

Done with September

My first post for the month of October and hopefully, not my only one!

Boy, howdy, vet school keeps me busy! Take last week for example, starting with September 23rd. It was a Friday. On Fridays, my classes are over by noon, which is really nice. That Friday, however, I stayed on campus for quite a while. First, an optional exam review at noon, which went on until about one. Then, a quick lunch at the teaching hospital's cafeteria. Afterwards, I spent a few hours in the anatomy lab studying. I would have stayed longer, but was kicked out at five when the lab closed. This actually upset me. So then I went upstairs to the histology lab and studied there til about 6:15. Quite a Friday, huh?

Saturday was my day off. Dustin was in town, we went to the football game, etc. Sunday, I spent most of my day at the anatomy lab again. Monday the 26th, I had an exam in the afternoon. I was out of classes at five that day, but stayed in the anatomy lab until about seven. Tuesday, I had an exam in the afternoon, was out of classes at five, but stayed at the vet school until 6:30 working on a group project. Wednesday, I was out of classes at three, but stayed in the anatomy lab until 5:30. Thursday, out of classes at five and stayed at the library until eight. Friday, done with classes at noon, but had an exam from one to five.

Keep in mind that even after going home, I would stay up late studying (after taking care of other basic tasks such as eating, scooping litter boxes, walking Canelo, and showering) and that I wake up at six every morning to walk my dog, eat breakfast, get ready, catch the first bus, and make it to class by eight.

I had another exam today so I spent the entire weekend studying with occasional glances at the A&M, Cowboys, and Rangers games. I have another exam in a week. This plus a weekly homework assignment that is always due on Tuesdays, a quiz every Monday, a quiz every Tuesday, and a quiz every Friday.

This is my life.

Tonight was actually my night to take it easy and by that I mean that I finally did laundry after neglecting it for over two weeks. I did dishes after neglecting them for a few days, I cleaned the kitchen, I picked things up around the apartment, I am making it livable and cute again.

One of my neighbors has a balcony that is about half the size of mine and she has it entirely full with flower pots and plants and table and chair set. Last night, as I was walking Canelo, I noticed that her balcony door was open and that her two cats were sitting on the balcony taking in the fresh, cool air. I want that. I want a balcony full of plants and I want furniture out there. As big as my balcony is, all that is out there is a bicycle and one lonely chair. I want to change that. It's not only my balcony either. This entire apartment needs more personalization. I really need to make it mine, add my own decorative touches, make it my home. When, though? And with what money?

Hmmm. I need to shower and do homework.

redone done it

I deleted my last post. Something about its font was off and it was just bothering me. I copied it, though, and am pasting it here. Here's hoping it looks okay:

Originally posted Monday, September 26, 2011

I don’t mind the studying. I don’t mind the lack of free time. I don’t mind that I can’t watch an entire football game or baseball game or movie. I don’t mind that I spend way more time at school than I do at home. Really, I pay rent for this place because it’s more of a home to my animals than it is to me. I don’t mind any of that. It was expected. I am, after all, trying to become a doctor.

What I do mind is being so alone. I mind being away from my Dustin. I mind having to go nearly three weeks without a comforting hug from him or a loving kiss or an encouraging smile. I miss him so much, I really do. I want him here with me. I want him to take me to and from school. I want him to bring me food. I want him to walk my dog when I’m studying. I want him to hug me hello and goodbye at the beginning and end of each day. I want him to hold me late at night. I want him here making me laugh. I want to ride around town in his car with the music on and listen to him sing along. I want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to make a mess in this apartment. I want the shower to smell like him. I want a collection of his cigarette butts to start forming on the balcony. I want to see his beard trimmings all over the bathroom sink. I want to hear him talk in his sleep at night. I want to attempt to tickle him. I want to hear him complain about how gross his hair is if has been sweating. I want to watch him snuggle with my dog. I want to take a nap on the couch with him. I want to hold his hand. I want to run my fingers through his hair even when he claims it is gross. I want to hear him complain about how hot it is. I just want to be with him. I don’t want to be so far away from him. I don’t want to go so long without seeing him.I’m like this every time he leaves. I get so sad.

I cried all while typing this. There is no denying that I am absolutely in love with the man. We’ll be together again soon and eventually, we’ll be together forever. I have so much to look forward to in life. I am so, so lucky.