Years gone by

2006 was the year I had to grow up.
2007 was the year I made  lifetime friends.
2008 was the year that brought me down.
2009 was the year I chose to be happy.
2010 was the year I fell in love.
2011 was the year I  started vet school.

Aside from 2008, I must say, adulthood has consisted of very good years. Fingers crossed that 2012 will not break that trend, that my luck will not  revert to what is was four years ago.

Happy new year, y'all!

I survived.

Well, I have made it through my first semester of vet school. I am 1/8th of a veterinarian. [sigh of relief] It certainly was not easy. Rather, it has been very humbling, but I feel better prepared and more aware. Next semester will be better. I will be in control early on and will not lose that control. Now I know better.

Tomorrow, Dad will be picking me up and I'll be on my way to Dallas. Four glorious weeks in the city I love! I just can not wait! Expect my postings to become non-existent. There will just be too much to do! Too much.

I am actually not really up for writing at the moment. I'd rather pack and get ready to get the hell out of here.

Have a great weekend, y'all. :)

While we're drowning in rivers from our faces

Not going to get into details, but Dustin and I had a huge HUGE fight this past weekend. Over the phone (the worst!). As with most difficult situations in life, I turned to music for comfort. This is "Goodbye Waves and Driveways" by The Rocket Summer. I've highlighted the lyrics that simply resonate with me, the parts that remind me that even when times are tough, love remains. If you care to listen, I've included the song at the end (it's not an actual video, it's just audio).


Just walk away...

Gather your thoughts for the second wave
Of this argument on this epic changing day
It's crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great

But we stand here both proud, both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
But we're just so stuck in this moment
It's clear that we're coming undone

And you see, it's hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don't know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist

When we both know there's so much love clenched within our fists

The goodbye waves in the driveway, they just resonate
And yes, I'm throwing it right back at her
While we're drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over?
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, so aware

I sit in this house alone with fresh photographs
And I just can't relax
Like cigarette smoke, I'm starting to choke on this
That half of my soul's on the road in a car with a girl in a dress

And see, it's making it hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don't know exactly how it is
That just to say, I'm right, you're wrong

We both lose to win...

The goodbye waves in the driveway, they just resonate
And yes, I'm throwing it right back at her
While we're drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over?
A trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here...

So, hey now, maybe it's being stupid
Hey, maybe we're just being dumb
Hey, maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized
Like a flag in the wind, we are one
And how at first, it's made so pure and lovely
But in battle can be torn to shreds
But with time and with patience and love and affection
Can be fixed with needle and thread

Because I love you and you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said, I love you and you love me
And nothing will make make make make this leave

So remember me, yeah.
Remember me, yeah.
Remember me...

Don't walk away.

One of the things I love so much about the song is how it comes full circle. From asking her to walk away from the fight--because fights are so unpleasant. Who would want to deal with one? Why make matters worse?--to asking her not to walk away. To stay. To work it out. [sigh] I love it.

And yes, Dustin and I are fine. We are so in love.

Football, Immunology, Clothes. Quite a triumvirate.

Last night I went to the A&M football game against the Longhorns. I scored a free ticket, but had to sit (er, stand) with a group of complete strangers. Is there such a thing, though? Strangers? At an A&M football game? We're all Aggies, we're all the 12th Man. I was high-fived and hugged multiple times by people that I had never met before. Ah, it's that Spirit of Aggieland. It's Kyle Field. How I love it!

By the fourth quarter, I was freezing my ass off. Then I had to walk all alone in the cold from the stadium to my apartment. To make matters worse, since it was past eleven by the time I was able to get out of the stadium, it was obviously dark outside and at some points during my walk, I could not see where I was stepping. I was less than halfway home when I ended up stepping in some sort of puddle. Since I was wearing  a pair of Vans sneakers, my feet were soaked. Wonderful. Have I mentioned that it was effin' cold last night?

Since last Friday morning, I have been fighting some sort of bug. It started with a scratchy throat, some coughing, and then culminated with a horribly runny nose and incessant sneezing on Tuesday night. My body is young and able. I am also currently enrolled in an (veterinary) immunology course, which has taught me that unless one's body is absolute shit, it can take care of pretty much any bug that manages to shake things up. It is such an intricate process, one involving multiple body systems and a vast array of body cells, all very well coordinated and working together to make things normal again. Throwing drugs into the mix is just a way of telling your body that it sucks and you don't have faith in it. It only confuses its amazing lymphatic/immune system, so I refused to take anything. After my incident last night, though, I was almost certain that just as I was beating this "illness" (I can't really call it an illness when I never lost my appetite nor my ability to work out) I was going to jack things up again. Nope. I'm good. Way to go, T-cells, B-cells, antibodies, macrophages, mast cells, neutrophils, and dendritic cells. Y'all rock my world.

Changing the subject, I am obsessed with clothes. Remember my recent post about how I re-organized my closet? Well, I did so out of my obsession with clothes. I do not spend a ridiculous amount of money on them, mind you. I am a very thrifty shopper and RARELY spend more than fifteen dollars on one item of clothing (not even jeans!). In fact, I have added five additional pieces to my closet in the last week and spent less than thirty dollars on them all together. They are quite cute too!

Dustin (you know, that wonderful boyfriend of mine) introduced me to a show called House Hunters a while back. Has anyone ever watched it? It involves people "shopping" around for houses/homes. They get to pick out of three choices and you follow them along as they go from place to place and comment on what they like and dislike about each house they are shown. Often, they list what is on their "wish list" for their new home. I constantly tell Dustin that number one on my wish list is HUGE walk-in closets. Not even joking. Besides the fact that they allow pets, it's probably one of the main reasons I chose the apartment I live in now. Dustin always tells me that I have too much clothes and that it's ridiculous. He's right, but we all have our vices, don't we?

With that, I tell you this: I wish I was a paper doll! To be able to change from one outfit to the next in just a wink. Fabulous!

So many choices, oh la la.

I bet y'all know what I am going to say next... Back to studying! Weeeeeee!

Back, but moving forward.

How about a post from the good ol' SCC (Student Computing Center)? For those of you unfamiliar with Texas A&M (ahem, most of you), the SCC is a two-story building full of computers. That's it. Just a nice, big computer lab conveniently located on main campus. A few years ago, when I was an undergraduate, I would come here in between classes (how nice it was to actually have breaks between classes!) and literally waste time. I would not study, nor read, nor do anything productive whatsoever. I would log onto myspace, which was all the rage back in 2004-2006, I would get on AIM, I would type up emails to good friends, I would blog, and I would surf the interwebz. Those fifty minutes between classes would fly by, believe me. In fact, sometimes I would be so into whatever it was that I was doing in here, that I would be late to class. Oh, what a silly young daisy.

Being in here, I can't help but remember those days. I wanted so desperately to graduate, get the hell out of College Station, and move back to Dallas. I wanted to have adventures in the city that I left almost as soon as I became an "adult." I was so excited to start looking for a job in Dallas and brag about my degree. Vet school was on my mind, of course, but I had some living to do before getting there, as well as some experience and confidence to gain. I was so excited about the future, even though I had no idea what it would involve.

It involved landing a job at The SPCA of Texas, gaining a lot of experience, helping thousands of animals, and making wonderful friends. It involved becoming frustrated about not being able to land a job at a vet clinic to work with a veterinarian, which I needed in order to apply to vet school (vet school truly never left my mind). It involved enrolling in veterinary technology courses and becoming a registered vet tech in hopes that it would help me be hired by a vet clinic. It involved being forced to grow up thanks to not having days off because I worked from Friday through Sunday and then went to school from Monday through Thursday. It involved finally getting that previously elusive vet clinic job where I learned so much more than I could have ever learned in a classroom and made even more awesome friends. It involved my little family of creatures growing to include more than my beloved old Canelo Dog. It involved becoming a vegetarian, which is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my lifetime. It involved being treated like crap by people I worked with and learning how to deal with people not liking me. It involved finally meeting the love of my life and falling deeply in love with him almost immediately. Of course, it involved eventually applying to vet school and being admitted.

So here I am. Back in College Station, back at A&M, back at the SCC, but an entirely different person than I was all those years ago...

Little Daisy. Little hopeful twenty year-old Daisy, you've done well. Back then, you didn't doubt that the future would be bright and exciting for you. Don't you start doing so now. You've grown up and added some years to your age now. You aren't so naive anymore, but you must keep believing in yourself. Just look how far you've come and everything you have already accomplished! You are well on your way, girl. Be proud, be confident, stay focused, and don't you ever lose that love. Love for others, love for what you do, and love for life. An even brighter future lies ahead for you, princess, and you deserve it.

Once again, a happy daisy

I can't even tell how happy I am after having my family and Dustin visit me this weekend. They are all on their way home now, but my family will be back in just a few days for Thanksgiving. I decided to stay in town to get some studying done during the break, so they're coming here instead. Actually, my Dad and brother would've made the trip anyway because they're going to the football game against the Longhorns, but Mom decided to join them so that I can have myself a (vegetarian) Thanksgiving meal even though I will not be going home.

I feel so ready to take on these last few weeks of school, to start preparing to kick these final exams in the ass. I hope the weather stays pleasant, that my spirits remain high, that if I get sick it's not severe, and that my brain keeps chuggin' along.

Less than three weeks to go...

Countdown!

I forgot to post about it...

22 days til freedom!

I will be 1/8th of the way towards becoming a veterinarian. I feel a happy dance coming on...

Study break post.

I am listening to Dr. Dog right now and it has me in the greatest of moods!

Earlier this afternoon, I called that crazy (awesome) woman who just so happens to be my mother to say hello. Talking to her helped my mood as well.

Also, Erica, who I met years ago when we were both undergrads at A&M texted me tonight and invited me to do some Zumba with her. Sounds like so much fun, I have been wanting to try it for quite a while. Unfortunately, with finals just around the corner and two exams on Friday, I had to decline. Next semester, though! She said the invitation will remain open. :)

I received an email from my apartment complex today regarding a clothing drive that the office is holding. I love clothing drives! I used to donate my clothes to a thrift store in Dallas whose proceeds went to an animal rescue group. I'm not entirely sure where the complex is sending the clothes off to, but I am participating nonetheless. There is something cathartic about cleaning out my closet and getting rid of things I no longer wear, especially when I'm not just throwing them out. I actually rearranged my closet over the weekend and spotted several items that I could do without. I was so happy with how nicely organized my closet looked that I took pictures! Am I a goof or what?

Arranged by color! So many pretty colors!

Beads! Makes me think of Gus Gus from Cinderella!

Favorite part of my closet? Canelo Dog's perfectly pressed bandanas.

 

I'll have to tackle this area some other time. Eeek!

In completely unrelated news: I can't remember the last time I sat down to watch a movie. An entire movie, not just bits and pieces of it and not one playing in the background as I study. So, at some point (more than likely next week) I am going to treat myself to a movie (possibly two since I'll be on Thanksgiving Break) and thoroughly enjoy it. I'm excited and being the girl that I am, I am choosing a chick-flick!

My upcoming reward. Yippeeee!

One final note, I was on facebook earlier and read that it is quite chilly in Dallas today. Several friends posted about it so I decided to check my weather app: it is 16 degrees colder in North Texas than it is in College Station. I can therefore actually say that I am glad I'm here and not in Dallas. Sorta. :P

I'm so in love.

I'm so very much in love. It's worth re-emphasizing. That's all I want to write right now. It's such an overwhelming feeling, in a good way. I had stressed so much over school last month, that I almost led myself to believe that I was unhappy. How can I be unhappy when I am in love, though? It makes no sense.

Life is good. Allow me to get tomorrow's exam out of the way, then my countdown to winter break can begin. Happy happy me.

Update on the kitty!

The kitty did NOT like my kitties. She disliked my dog and ferret as well. As a result, I had to keep her away from them in the spare bedroom. This meant having to take one litter box out of the spare bedroom's bathroom, moving it into my bathroom, and forcing my two cats to share just the one box (not cool!). This also meant depriving my animals of one entire room that they were so used to having access to. Canelo and the cats love sleeping on the bed in there and Cholula likes to cozy up in one of the bathroom cabinets. I'm sure they were not thrilled all last night and today.

More about the kitty, though: she is so darn sweet! She loves to make herself comfortable on laps and proceeds to purring as loud as she can. It's so adorable. She has the softest meow to match her soft fur, which was also surprisingly clean and free of fleas. I honestly think that she may belong to someone just because of how friendly she is and how at ease she was being indoors. It was like she knew that that was where she belonged. I posted FOUND ads on Craigslist and in the local paper. We'll see if anyone replies.

I also made a post on my class's facebook page asking for a temporary home for her. I really just wanted someone to keep her until next weekend. My family should be visiting me then, so I can send the kitty home to Dallas with them if I am not able to find her (possibly non-existent) owners. Once she is in Dallas, she can hopefully go to my best friend Cent's animal shelter and get everything she needs (vaccines, etc). Thankfully, one of my awesome classmates responded to my plea and agreed to take care of her until next Friday! It all worked out well because she doesn't have any pets so I know the kitty will be comfortable there, plus, she's a fellow vet student (i.e. the kitty will be well taken care of)! I provided food, bowls, litter, a litter box, Frontline, and toys. Emily is providing the awesomely comfy home with comfy couches and no other critters to scare the kitty. My animals also get their room back. Huzzah!

That's my update on her and here is a picture:

Picked up by vet students... Winning!

On with my evening now. Feeling good about life, about animals, and about people who love animals. :)

They find me.

Dogs, I can understand. Dogs following me home or approaching me is normal. They're dogs, they like people! A cat, however? A random stray cat in the middle of a restaurant parking lot? For it to actually meow at me to get my attention before I got into the car? For it to make its way over to me as soon as it noticed that I had heard it and was stopping to pay attention to it? For it to allow me to pick it up and set it on my lap?

I just had to bring it home. It's a she. I had to bring her home.

Yet another rescue. I will update about her more tomorrow, I hope. Right now, I need to get ready for bed and for my tomorrow.

Oh, world. You made an animal lover out of me. Please help me help this animal. I am already asking what I have gotten myself into. Please remind me that animals and animal rescue are the reason I live and enjoy life. Please remind me that a rescue is not a burden, it is something to be proud of and to be fulfilled by. Please let me find a suitable home for her soon. Please let this all work out.

Random news.

I so badly want to turn this apartment of mine more into a home, more into a space that is actually mine, not just a place I stay at while I am in vet school. This afternoon I went to the bookstore to buy a notebook and some paper for one of my classes. I saw a random basket hidden towards the corner of the store just as I was making my way to the checkout counter. Above it, in large red letters, was the irresistible word SALE and off I was to investigate what goodies could be coming home with me without damaging my limited budget. The basket was full of Wall Pops, which are wall stickers that you stick and appear like paint. They are so damn neat! And they peel right off without damaging the wall and can be used again! The ones I found were pretty basic (no fancy designs), but who cares?! They were freaking cheap! What a steal, my wall and apartment look better already. Hooray!

In other news, I haven't mentioned that over the weekend my parents adopted their first kitten! She is absolutely adorable and is already so loved. I am pleased with my parents for becoming so loving towards animals in recent years. This is a pair who did not allow animals inside the house when I was growing up. They did not like cats at all, either. Dogs you could a least run around with, kick a ball with, play fetch with, teach tricks to, but a cat? Pointless to have, in their (old) opinion. Now, they have adopted their own. Not a pet they are getting because one of their kids wants it, one that took major convincing to be welcomed into the family. Nope. This was their choice. They wanted her. I am so damn proud of them, and of myself for helping them see the beauty of animals. I knew it was only a matter of time. Their daughter is going to be a veterinarian, after all. Her livelihood will be coming from animals and the people who love them. It was only a matter of time.

So I am happy right now. Even with the time change, I am happy. I think a goal I will set for myself is to spend as much time outdoors and in the sun while I can. Something as simple as eating my lunch outside will help and taking Canelo to the park as soon as I get home (if the sun is still out).

Off to finish one last homework assignment before it is time for sleep once more. :)

La Blee Da

I sleep so much better when I'm not alone and when I'm not stressing. I can't say that I wasted hour upon hour on sleeping this weekend because sleep is such a luxury to me, that I could never call it waste. I slept on the car ride to Dallas Friday night, I slept in yesterday morning, I took multiple naps throughout the day yesterday, I slept in this morning, we all got an extra hour of sleep last night because of the time change, I took a nap this afternoon (during the second half of the Cowboys game... ha!), and I slept on the way back here to College Station. After the pitiful amount of time spent sleeping last week, I deserved every second of it this weekend. No shame.

I am definitely not liking the time change. I actually bitch about it each and every year. Here it is for this year: it is a fact that spending time in the sun leads to happier moods. How the hell am I supposed to be happy when I don't get any sunlight? Darkness by six? I barely make it home at that time. And I spend the ENTIRE day indoors. Not only that, but the lecture halls and laboratories where I spend my days all lack windows. Depressing. Also, another ingredient for happiness is working out, not just for me, but for everybody. Endorphins. I do NOT have time to work out (as mentioned, I hardly have time to sleep!). The only workout I get is when I ride my bicycle to and from school, something that I hesitate to do when it is dark outside. Something that I will not be doing much of anymore. Damn you, winter! You suck!

I need chocolate. And sugar cookies.

Oh, November

This is how I feel about cold weather.

I should clean my mirror. Geeze!

Wish List

All I ever do nowadays is make lists of things that must get done. Things that must be studied. Pages that must be read. And so on. How about a list of things I want for a change?

• washer and dryer
• coffee table
• huge whiteboard
• curtains
• outdoor furniture for my balcony
• plants

That's not too much to ask for, is it?

Too bad I'm a poor, non-employed, beyond full-time student living off financial aid and the generosity of a loving family.

Plus one! Plus one! Plus one!

Join Google + if you have not done so already. So much better than facebook, it just needs to get going (i.e. it needs more people to join and actually use it). Once you have joined, look me up and add me to one of your circles. Good times, y'all. Good times.

Also, enjoy this video. I was obsessed with it about four years ago or so. I don't know why I don't listen to Feist anymore. I need to fix that.

Need more enjoyment? Here ya go. Another video/song I was obsessed with four years ago. I definitely still listen to Yelle and actually went to her show in Dallas earlier this year. An awesome Valentine's Day gift from the one I love.

Off to study now! Joy!

Uh Oh

Insomnia has attacked. Talk about bad timing. Still, I will force myself to get out of bed reasonably early tomorrow morning in a few hours. I have quite a bit of studying to do. Actually, I have a lot of studying to do. I will more than likely be getting an average of five hours of sleep from now through Thursday night. Then, finally, FINALLY, I will go home to Dallas again. I should be there by Friday night. Oh, my little heart needs to be home so badly.

With my facebook account deactivated, and with the limited amount of characters allowed per tweet on twitter, I find myself blogging a lot more often. Have y'all noticed? I actually like this. I really do enjoy blogging. This is my seventeenth post this month! What's even more rewarding is that people actually read my blog. YOU read my blog, you! Thank you. Granted, I don't always know who has read what or what they think unless it is mentioned to me in conversation or, the more popular medium, via text message.

I do not understand why everyone is so shy to comment. I like and welcome comments, honestly, just like I do on facebook. You don't even need a blogger account to leave one. You can either use your google account or leave one anonymously. Okay, now I feel like I am practically begging for comments, so I'll stop. :)

3:00 AM. Seriously? I texted Dustin just a few moments ago with hopes that he'd still be up and make me feel better about not being able to sleep. He can stay up pretty damn late, that guy. As my luck would have it, not tonight, though.

I guess I'll do some more studying. As always, I am at least thankful for having my furry companions here with me. A Canelo Dog hug, Cholula Belle kisses, cradling Smartie Boo, and a purring Miguel all together equal love and comfort. What would I do without my beloved babies?

For Dustin.

Even as I study, I think of him.

Music always picks me up.

El Bolero de Ravel. My uncle introduced me to this piece of music when I was around ten years old. I had more than likely heard it before, but he had me listen to it carefully and gave an identity to it. Since then, it has remained one of my favorite pieces, one that I could listen to repeatedly, one that can give me some uplifting. The music may seem repetitive to some, but you have to listen to the intricacy of all the instruments and how they all play off one another. It's perfect, especially the closer it gets to its magnificent end.

This video makes me so happy. I just found it a few minutes ago and have already watched it three times. I cried the first time I watched it. No idea why, I'll figure that out later. I just felt an urgent need to share it. So here it is:

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, even if you don't love Bolero as I love it.

On a side note, I desperately wish I knew how to play an instrument, any instrument. Maybe it is something I can accomplish somewhere down the line. Something else to look forward to amidst all the  funk surrounding me as of lately.

Happy Saturday, everyone.

Spilling.

Well. Suffice to say that tonight did not turn out anything like I had hoped or expected it to.

I popped/injured my jaw. Again. Third time in two months, but it had never happened to me before. I honestly don't know what gives and wonder if this is an indication that I should have it checked out. Point is, I am in excruciating pain once more, physical pain to match my mental/emotional pain.

I had been wanting to cry all day while I was at school, and not because of my jaw. That incident didn't occur until I was nearly home. Honestly, a few tears did escape, but they did so during a lecture so nobody noticed. At least I don't think anybody did. Regardless, I was able to hold it together all day long and couldn't wait to get home and simply let loose.

Let loose I did.

I got home at around 5:30, went straight to my bedroom, kicked off my boots, changed into pajamas, crawled into bed, burrito'd myself in my blanket, and cried. Cried, cried, cried. Not just tears, either, oh no. I sobbed, nice and loudly, right into sleep. I woke up nearly two hours later because I received a text message from my sweet sweet Dustin. "I love you," it read. So simple, but as appreciated and meaningful as ever. I was in no mood to watch the game because it only served as a reminder that Dustin was not with me, so I got up and showered instead.

I must have been in there for half an hour. Ridiculous, right? (I pose these questions, but no one ever answers! They are not rhetorical. Comments, friends!) I did not want to come out. I wanted to stay in there, away from the world, eyes closed because the water was falling into my face, and just forget about everything. My loneliness, my disappointment, the week of exams ahead of me, the stress, everything. I realize that I wasted water, but I recycle vehemently and do not eat meat. My constant enviro-friendliness should more than make up for my one night of reckless waste. I needed it.

Wouldn't it be great if all unhappy thoughts and feelings could be washed away with tears and showers?

I'm rambling tonight, please bear with me.

So I crawled back into bed (after I felt guilty enough about the water being wasted to get out of the shower) and started to send Dustin a long string of text messages that essentially declared my current state of funk. He is so great to put up with it. During the baseball game, no less! This is why I constantly brag about what a great boyfriend he is. He just is! Oh how I miss him!

Dustin is my first love. At twenty-five, I fell in love for the first time and it was with him. Before meeting and falling for him, people (er... women) would react with surprise when I admitted that I had never been in love, especially the more I aged. Many of them congratulated me. "Good," they would say. "Being in love leads to so much trouble. You are not in control of yourself when you are in love. It complicates things." I listened, only because I wanted to convince myself that I was better off being alone, that love could and should wait, that I had other things to experience before experiencing love. They couldn't be entirely right, though. Not when there are so many songs about how beautiful love is. Never mind the fairy tales and the happily ever after movies. Music assured me that love is good, that romance exists, that falling was more of a rising.

Now I am in love, and those ladies were correct to a certain extent. I would not be so miserable if I didn't love Dustin so much. I wouldn't feel so lonely if the time I have already spent with him throughout our relationship wasn't incredible. I wouldn't long to see him so much, the disappointment would be less severe, I could simply watch a dumb movie and immediately feel better. That is not the case, though. I AM FUCKEN BUMMED. This is what love has done to me. And that is fine.

Our fairy tale ending will come. This is us working to get there. This is our struggle (I feel that I struggle more than he does, but I may be entirely wrong. I know he feels it too, he just does not want to tell me so because I think he feels that it will somehow make me feel guilty(?) or feel worse about being away. I don't know. This is probably something he and I should talk about). This is the rising action of the plot. We will romance each other throughout before the grand finale. Then we will live our lives as two of the happiest lovebirds that could ever be! We will give hope to those still waiting for love or those who have been burned by love! Love is true, it exists, it beats you down at times, but it never ceases to be beautiful!

Aside from crying, writing helps me get through my funks. I better take my poor Canelo Dog out now.

Disappointing Days.

The amount of disappointment that I have had to withstand this past month is enough to send a person into a severe depression. Seriously. It's one thing after another. Thankfully, deep down inside, I'm a happy daisy and someway somehow, I keep it together. That is not to say that I don't break down and cry sometimes, because I definitely do, but then I suck it up and keep going. What other choice do I have?

If I look for happiness, I find it.

Earlier this evening, Canelo and I took a walk at the park that is just across the street from our apartment. As we turned the corner of the pond that is near the end of the park, I noticed a young couple staring up into the trees. They were young, obviously college students, and each one was holding a pair of binoculars. They were out bird-watching, which I thought was the most adorable thing. Canelo and I walked a bit farther, turned another corner on the trail and came across another couple, probably in their mid to late thirties, enjoying a big beautiful meal on one of the park's several picnic tables.

I couldn't help but smile. Both couples were just so cute! It's one of the many things that has changed since I myself have fallen in love. Before, whenever I saw such couples I would be filled with rather negative feelings. Jealousy, self-pity, an intense longing. Now, it makes me so happy. I love love. It's so great to see couples as in love as Dustin and I are!

Last week also had its own happy moment. When I arrived at school on Thursday morning, I noticed several of my classmates wearing purple for Spirit Day. Later in the morning, as I walked through the hallways, I noticed members from the upper classes (2VMs and 3VMs*) wearing purple as well! It was great. One of my classmates even changed out of her nice purple blouse (students usually dress professionally for the first half of our days when we have lectures) and into purple scrubs (students usually change into scrubs for the second half of our days when we have labs) to show her spirit and support all day long. Needless to say, I think she is pretty damn awesome.

I am also happy to say, that last week flew by. Seriously, it went by so quickly! I am hoping this one does the same as I get to see my Dustin FINALLY at the end of it. Friday can not get here soon enough.

With that, I will go off and be happy and hopefully get some sleep soon because I am beyond exhausted. Uff.

*There are four classes at the vet school, just like there are at Hogwart's, although they have more at Hogwart's. I am a first year, as are my classmates, and we are designated as 1VMs. Second years are 2VMs, third years are 3VMs, and the elusive fouth years are 4VMs. When we graduate, we are DVMs, of course. Whoop!

No time for hating.

Every time a teenager commits suicide because of homophobic bullying, my heart breaks a little. I wish I could find each and every kid is who is being harassed or picked on for being his or herself and tell them that they are perfect and absolutely worthy of love. I want to find the fucken bullies and let all hell loose on them! I just want them to stop! I know that they are kids as well and probably dumb as rocks, but when lives are on the line? They need some wrath laid upon them. Ugh.

Anyhow. I guess a few years ago Texas A&M opened an GLBT Resource Center on campus. There has been an GLBT organization on campus since the mid-80s, but now there is this center dedicated to educating the college and community about GLBT issues, which I think is fantastic! This center did not exist when I was an undergraduate and the fact that it is operating now fills me with hope. Progress. One step at a time.

This is a poster high-lighting campus events revolving around GLBT History Month. I wish I had the time to attend them all, but unfortunately, I do not. Again, though, I just think it's so wonderful that in this conservative armpit town in middle-of-nowhere, Texas, such events are taking place.

I bought a plain, cheap purple shirt over the weekend. I will be wearing it on Thursday in support of GLBT Aggies and in opposition to hate.

Love. Always love.

This is me.

During our nice, lengthy phone conversation on Friday night, Dustin suggested that we both refrain from listening to sad music and instead listen to music that makes us happy or lifts our spirits. The Rocket Summer's music is so stupid-happy that it was immediately what I thought of.

I first listened to this song in 2003 when I became a fan of The Rocket Summer and downloaded his first full-length album, Calendar Days. I was a grand-whopping eighteen years-old. An adult, by legal standards, but still mostly a child in every way imaginable. I was a freshman at TCU and thinking about transferring to Texas A&M because I wanted to go to vet school someday (here I am, eighteen year-old Daisy). I wasn't entirely sure of how to do it, how to plan for it, or even if it was the best move, and listening to this song over and over again somehow reminded me that it was normal to be unsure.

I don't know what I am doing now and I won't try to act like it cos I sure don't know how. And I'll admit that I don't know just where I'm going on this long and winded road that's taking me to what will be my home.

Something is what I'm gonna be. And what you is what you do. And what I do needs to be true. The things I do maybe need to be thought through.

But I know what I want to do and I want it to be true. And yeah, I'll be the first to say that of course, I'll listen to you, but just remember what's right for me might be not right for you.

Nearly ten years later, at twenty-seven, of course I know where I am going and what I'm doing. I am in school to finally become a veterinarian. I will graduate and join my Dustin and spend the rest of my life with him. These last couple weeks, however, have at times made me wonder if I belong here (I know I do) and if I can do this (of course I can). It's those little uncertainties and doubts from years ago creeping back up on me. I'll make it, though. One The Rocket Summer song at a time, I will make it.

Irony.

This is what I tweeted last Sunday before leaving Dallas to come back to College Station...

Daisy Martinez (@dangdaisy) has shared a Tweet with you: "dangdaisy: This week's goodbye was so much easier because I know I'm going to see him next weekend."

What a bummer, eh?

rebound

I gave myself until today to be sad and upset. I realize that I never made the reason I was feeling down very clear. Dustin and my family (more than likely my Dad and brother) were supposed to visit me this weekend. It is the ideal weekend for a visit from them given that I don't have any exams coming up this week. With the Rangers losing on Thursday, however, and Game 6 being played in Arlington tonight, their plans to visit were canceled. I don't blame them, of course. I knew that this was a possibility since they had tickets and my Dad makes a killing buying and reselling. Still, I couldn't help being overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, disappointment, and loneliness.

You see, as I have mentioned before, I become a total wreck when I say goodbye to Dustin. Last Sunday was different, though, because I was convinced that I would be seeing him again soon, on Friday evening. Thus, that goodbye was much like the ones we shared when I still lived in Dallas. I was okay, it felt great knowing that in just five days, we'd be together again. On Tuesday evening, I had dinner at a gourmet pizza place in downtown Bryan with some classmates and our faculty mentors. Downtown Bryan is so quaint and I immediately started thinking about how nice it'd be for Dustin and me to spend Saturday evening just strolling around from shop to shop and bar to bar much like we did when we went to the Fort Worth Stockyards last spring. I was so excited about the weekend. Oh so excited.

Then the Rangers lost.

Five days have turned into many more days. It will probably be at least two weeks until I see him again (I can't go home or have any visitors next weekend because of another exam the Monday that follows). That's eighteen or nineteen days altogether. Pretty big difference, I dare say. Had I known that it would be so long, I would not have been so casual the last time I said goodbye to him. Instead of being alone in my apartment typing this up right now, I should be enjoying the day with him.

Anyhow, being sad is not a luxury I can afford. I didn't watch Atonement last night after all. Instead, I talked to Dustin for about two hours and went straight to bed. So far today, I have done a lot of cleaning and organization, which has made me feel very good. I just feel more in control of life when things, my belongings, and my surroundings are in order and clean. That's what I need. I need to be in control. So for the remainder of the day, I will be studying. I will be accepting my fate.

Life can be good.

I had to do it.

I deactivated my Facebook account.

When I logged in this morning, half the posts made by my friends were about the awesome weekends they each have ahead of them. Several friends are going to tomorrow night's ballgame in Arlington. A few are going to tomorrow's Aggie football game. A few more will be going to The State Fair. A small group of friends is going to a haunted house tonight. There are plans for costume shopping and pumpkin patches and all sorts of fun October activities. One of my friends is even going on a weekend getaway with her husband. Another just landed in Vegas.

Not what I need to see or read about all weekend. Account deactivated.

Have a splendid day.

Robot Daisy?

What's the saddest music to have ever been recorded? Whatever it is, I want to listen to it. I can't think of anything right now because I typically don't listen to sad music. I'm usually a happy daisy, you know? The only song that comes to mind, because it is currently a hit, I believe, is Adele's Someone Like You. Saddest films? I have that down: The Pianist and Atonement. I actually think I'll watch the latter tomorrow night since I won't have anything better to do, since I'll be alone.

I want to be numb and not give a damn, but I fear becoming a total bitch and worsening the situation. I just can't allow myself to be so upset, though. It is actually the last thing I need right now. The last thing I need this semester.

Whyyyyyyyy?

I'm back.

I have reluctantly made my way back to College Station after spending less than two days in Dallas. No where near enough time. I spent the majority of the weekend studying, which makes things that much sadder. Still, I spent so much time with my sweet Dustin. Even with a brief unpleasant moment, it was still a wonderful weekend with him.

Let's just say that I was a bitch and pissed him off. He reacted as strongly as you would expect a man to and said some nasty, hurtful things to me. He loves me, though. It didn't take long for him to apologize to me. At that point, I let all my frustration, the frustration caused by school that is, I let it all out and had myself a very good crying session, all while his arms comforted me. I felt how much he loves me, I wish he could comfort me like that all the time. He would if he could, if he was with me at all times. Of course, that is not the case and I end up holding things in until he is with me. I can not imagine life without him. I haven't been able to for a very long time now.

I also got a much-needed hug from my Mom, although she was not and is still not aware of how drained and disappointed I have been feeling as of lately. No need to make her worry. Just gotta let her keep on supporting me and loving me and cheering me on. That wonderful lady spent most of today in the kitchen making a variety of food for me to bring back to College Station with me. I will be well-fed all this week because of her. It reminds me of how much I miss her cooking for me!

I realize that I write a lot about Dustin and my Mom. Here's the bottom line: I want to be taken care of.

Fending for myself isn't all that fun. Ah well. It must be done.

I do love me some sports!

Dustin and I both made posts about the Detroit-New York game seconds within one another. It wasn't even a game involving our team, but it does affect our Rangers, I guess. Still, it is just further proof that he and I are absolutely perfect together. I love my sports-lovin' man!

Since I'm on the topic of sports, earlier this week, after the Cowboys epic fail against, coincidentally, Detroit, Dirk made a tweet in reference to Tony Romo. Actually, I should say, it was directed at Tony Romo. Something along the lines of encouraging Romo not to be too hung up on the loss (although, seriously, dude CHOKED) and to not listen to all his critics and those who doubt him. Dirk mentioned that he had his own critics as well and pointed out that he was finally able to shut them up.

Dirk, I love you and that was very kind of you, but you are DIRK NOWITZKI. Romo doesn't even begin to compare to you. As we say in Spanish, "No te llega ni a los talones," and that's not just because you're seven-feet tall. For real.

I better get back to studying. Go Rangers!

Tommorrow, tomorrow

I'm going home tomorrow afternoon. This week was rough and disappointing and has left me feeling like I am in a huge hole that I myself dug. Simply put, it sucks. I can not wait to be home tomorrow and get a hug from my Mom, whom I haven't seen in over a month (sad daisy). I miss her. I miss her encouragement and her taking care of me. I even miss our arguments. I definitely miss her cooking! Sometimes I wish she would come stay with me for a week, but man, what a drag that would be for her! Hahaha What the hell would she do here all day?!

I'll see her and hug her tomorrow, though. My number one fan, I love her.

Done with September

My first post for the month of October and hopefully, not my only one!

Boy, howdy, vet school keeps me busy! Take last week for example, starting with September 23rd. It was a Friday. On Fridays, my classes are over by noon, which is really nice. That Friday, however, I stayed on campus for quite a while. First, an optional exam review at noon, which went on until about one. Then, a quick lunch at the teaching hospital's cafeteria. Afterwards, I spent a few hours in the anatomy lab studying. I would have stayed longer, but was kicked out at five when the lab closed. This actually upset me. So then I went upstairs to the histology lab and studied there til about 6:15. Quite a Friday, huh?

Saturday was my day off. Dustin was in town, we went to the football game, etc. Sunday, I spent most of my day at the anatomy lab again. Monday the 26th, I had an exam in the afternoon. I was out of classes at five that day, but stayed in the anatomy lab until about seven. Tuesday, I had an exam in the afternoon, was out of classes at five, but stayed at the vet school until 6:30 working on a group project. Wednesday, I was out of classes at three, but stayed in the anatomy lab until 5:30. Thursday, out of classes at five and stayed at the library until eight. Friday, done with classes at noon, but had an exam from one to five.

Keep in mind that even after going home, I would stay up late studying (after taking care of other basic tasks such as eating, scooping litter boxes, walking Canelo, and showering) and that I wake up at six every morning to walk my dog, eat breakfast, get ready, catch the first bus, and make it to class by eight.

I had another exam today so I spent the entire weekend studying with occasional glances at the A&M, Cowboys, and Rangers games. I have another exam in a week. This plus a weekly homework assignment that is always due on Tuesdays, a quiz every Monday, a quiz every Tuesday, and a quiz every Friday.

This is my life.

Tonight was actually my night to take it easy and by that I mean that I finally did laundry after neglecting it for over two weeks. I did dishes after neglecting them for a few days, I cleaned the kitchen, I picked things up around the apartment, I am making it livable and cute again.

One of my neighbors has a balcony that is about half the size of mine and she has it entirely full with flower pots and plants and table and chair set. Last night, as I was walking Canelo, I noticed that her balcony door was open and that her two cats were sitting on the balcony taking in the fresh, cool air. I want that. I want a balcony full of plants and I want furniture out there. As big as my balcony is, all that is out there is a bicycle and one lonely chair. I want to change that. It's not only my balcony either. This entire apartment needs more personalization. I really need to make it mine, add my own decorative touches, make it my home. When, though? And with what money?

Hmmm. I need to shower and do homework.

redone done it

I deleted my last post. Something about its font was off and it was just bothering me. I copied it, though, and am pasting it here. Here's hoping it looks okay:

Originally posted Monday, September 26, 2011

I don’t mind the studying. I don’t mind the lack of free time. I don’t mind that I can’t watch an entire football game or baseball game or movie. I don’t mind that I spend way more time at school than I do at home. Really, I pay rent for this place because it’s more of a home to my animals than it is to me. I don’t mind any of that. It was expected. I am, after all, trying to become a doctor.

What I do mind is being so alone. I mind being away from my Dustin. I mind having to go nearly three weeks without a comforting hug from him or a loving kiss or an encouraging smile. I miss him so much, I really do. I want him here with me. I want him to take me to and from school. I want him to bring me food. I want him to walk my dog when I’m studying. I want him to hug me hello and goodbye at the beginning and end of each day. I want him to hold me late at night. I want him here making me laugh. I want to ride around town in his car with the music on and listen to him sing along. I want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to make a mess in this apartment. I want the shower to smell like him. I want a collection of his cigarette butts to start forming on the balcony. I want to see his beard trimmings all over the bathroom sink. I want to hear him talk in his sleep at night. I want to attempt to tickle him. I want to hear him complain about how gross his hair is if has been sweating. I want to watch him snuggle with my dog. I want to take a nap on the couch with him. I want to hold his hand. I want to run my fingers through his hair even when he claims it is gross. I want to hear him complain about how hot it is. I just want to be with him. I don’t want to be so far away from him. I don’t want to go so long without seeing him.I’m like this every time he leaves. I get so sad.

I cried all while typing this. There is no denying that I am absolutely in love with the man. We’ll be together again soon and eventually, we’ll be together forever. I have so much to look forward to in life. I am so, so lucky.

Another day in which to excel.

One of the deans at school always says that. Everyday is another day in which to excel. Sometimes, I just don't feel like excelling. All I want to do is sleep. Today is such a day, but alas, I have a full day of school ahead of me complete with a physiology exam at ten this morning.

I'm sitting in bed still, I've been awake for about an hour. I'm trying to review my notes here on my laptop, but I'm at the point where I decide that I either know it or I don't. I feel that I know it, the exam material that is, and that I know it pretty damn well. Hopefully, I can master this exam. I need to. My confidence needs me to as well.

Canelo is by my bed whining. He wants to go outside. Off we go.

Ten years ago.

I was only a few weeks into my senior year of high school. I had a bit of anxiety that day because I was supposed to take my senior picture and I just did not want to. School pictures and I never got along, I was not very good at doing my make up, and I hated the black tops they made us wear. The night before I told my mom that I wasn't going to take the picture. She, of course, told me that I better. Ugh.

The morning of September 11th, however, I was scheduled to go on a field trip with my fourth year French class. We were going to go to The Federal Reserve Bank in downtown Dallas and have some very important people with very lucrative jobs tell us how beneficial it was to learn a foreign language. Our group would divide in the afternoon to explore job opportunities in different fields and again, somehow relate knowing a foreign language to being successful in each field. I was not excited about the afternoon agenda. I would be separated from my friends, while they all divided up into groups together.

As was common with me, I woke up that morning with barely enough time to make it to school. Unlike some of my classmates, I didn't have time to turn on a television in the morning. School was only two blocks from home, so I didn't listen to the radio on the way to school either. I just walked. When I arrived, I put my things in my locker and then went back outside to the front of the building where the bus was waiting for us. My friends were all talking about things like Homecoming and those blasted senior pictures. Only one of them mentioned New York and then others mentioned that they saw or heard something about it as well . A plane crashed into a building. That was that.

We eventually loaded up on the buses and made it to downtown. It was only a few minutes from school. When we got in the building, we were taken up some elevators and into a dining area where we were served an amazing breakfast. Perfect because, as I mentioned, I was always on the run in the mornings. No time to eat. Someone spoke to us while we ate, I don't remember what about. I didn't really care. I knew then that I wanted to work with animals. Whatever this man in his fancy suit had to say did not interest me. My thoughts were instead on my damn senior picture. If this field trip took long enough, maybe I wouldn't make it back to school in time to take my picture. I knew that I would, of course, but it was the perfect lie to tell my mother. Yes, I would have lied to her, I was a teenager then.

I can't remember all the details. A group of adults (my friends, classmates, and I weren't adults quite yet) gathered away from us by the entrance of the dining room. Eventually, one of them went up to the podium and told us that they were all sorry, but that our trip could not continue. We had to go back to our school because downtown was being evacuated. The country was under attack.

The severity of the situation had not hit me. On the bus ride home, I pulled my cell phone out and realized that I had a voice message from my mom. She was wondering where I was. She knew my field trip involved going to some building in downtown and had become aware that all of downtown was being evacuated. Other students also had missed calls and voicemails from their parents. When they returned the calls, a lot of them were told that their parents were already waiting for them at school. What was the big deal?

The bus started making loud, rattling noises as we neared school. We all joked, "Oh no, this bus is under attack!" How foolish of us, but really, we just had no idea. Maybe everyone had been misinformed. Maybe all the adults were overreacting. Maybe it was just some freak accident. What did anything happening in New York have to do with us in Dallas? We did not know. We had not seen images of a second plane hitting. We did not know that the Pentagon was attacked as well. We didn't know how bad it all was.

Then we got to school.

Some of the students did, in fact, have parents waiting for them at school and so they went home. As for the rest of us... Did we have to go to our classes? Technically, we were excused for most of the day. Some kids decided to just skip their classes and hang out in the journalism room all day. Some of my friends went to the bathroom to get all dolled up for their senior pictures and subsequently take those pictures in the auditorium. That was the last thing my best friend Cynthia and I wanted to do. We went to the French class. The television was on.

Finally, it hit us.

I don't remember if I cried then and there. I may have. My eyes must have at least watered up. The rest of the day? Oh, you know... It was high school. The class clowns were cracking jokes, the "freaks" were talking about how the U.S. had it coming, some people still did not care. When the bell rang, Cynthia and I left the French room and I went to our third period class. Our teacher had the radio on and was so serious, his face in his hands almost the entire time. When it wasn't, he just sat back in his chair with his arms crossed and his head shaking. He was in such disbelief. It was weird to see him that way, he was such an easy-going guy.

For my fourth period class (we only had four classes a day), I was finally separated from Cynthia. No one went to that last class. The few of us who did just sat there and watched TV again. At some point, I don't remember when, I did go downstairs to the auditorium to take my picture. I wanted to make my mom happy. How insignificant did it all seem now. How anxious I was about having to take it. I was upset about not being in the same afternoon field trip group as all my friends. Such trivial things! So damn silly of me.

I went home after school and just stayed with my family. That was my day. That's how I remember it. It didn't start carefree because I was a total nut who worried about the stupidest of things (in my defense, I was seventeen at the time). In a way, I almost became more carefree in the days that followed. The dumb little things that I gave priority to before did not matter as much. To be honest, neither did the not-so-dumb little things. Who could focus on school with the news that was being thrown at us day in and day out? Even then, I was socially aware and liked to stay up to date on current events. School kinda suffered and so did college applications. Ah, well. I am lucky in that the impact that day had on my life wasn't very intense. No one I knew passed away and nobody joined the military. Peace.

I'm a sad/lonely daisy.

I really wish he could stay. I wish I could have him here with me all the time, not just every other weekend. I am such a disaster when he leaves, and probably will be all week since I don't have this weekend to look forward to because I won't be seeing him. Last week led up to me seeing him, and it was great! I was so excited and so happy! Weeks leading up to lonely weekends? Not so much. All I do is miss him. It's rough. It's just as hard, if not harder, as I expected it to be.

I know I have to get myself together. Especially given that I have an exam in less than three hours and another on Friday. Life, help me.

Week two begins.

Short post, just some minor things on my mind.

I have added several of my (awesome) classmates on facebook and often realize, via their status updates or check-ins, that they are constantly studying. What great motivation! I'm not the only person spending hour after hour studying my poor little brain off. I gotta keep up!

I am not too happy about the regular school year beginning. Undergrads are everywhere! They crowd up the buses, they get in your way, they drive up and down the street that you are trying to cross with your dog, they make too much noise in the hallways... I will eventually add to this list.

Actually, that's all that's on my mind right now. Back to studying!

One week down, many more to go.

It has been such an overwhelming week, but I have to remind myself that I asked for this. I want to be a doctor, I want to help animals, I want to dedicate my life to them. I just have to remember each and every amazing, adorable creature I have ever met in my life, and tell myself that they are worth all my time and stress and all the studying and the exhaustion and all the dang money that I am spending. This is where I belong and this is what I am meant to be doing.

Part of the reason I am so exhausted is the fact that I have to haul so much stuff around. My backpack is stuffed with notes, books, school supplies, and veterinary equipment. Since I have an anatomy lab, one that involves the stinky act of dissection, I also have to carry extra clothes and shoes around. I always pack a lunch and on certain days, I haul a box of bones as well. It's tiring and awkward, but it must be done. I do have a locker on campus, but I still have to carry everything around when going to and from bus stops and onto and off the buses. So not fun.

Another reason I am tired? My schedule. Classes from nine to five on Mondays, eight to five on Tuesdays and Thursdays, eight to three on Wednesdays, and ten to noon on Fridays (although on certain weeks, there are extra class meetings or exams scheduled for Friday afternoons). To make it to class by eight, I have to wake up at six, get ready, walk Canelo, eat breakfast, pack a lunch, and catch the first bus at seven, which takes me to main campus. From there, I grab a second bus to the vet school. I usually arrive by 7:35, which gives me time to take all my junk to my locker and drop my lunch off in the lounge. In the afternoons, when I am done with classes, I usually have to wait a while for both buses since they aren't as well coordinated as they are in the mornings. This means waiting around in 100 degree weather... draining! By the time I get home, I just wanna zonk out, but I can't because, believe me, there is plenty of studying to be done. Oy!

I am still excited, though! I am going to learn so much and the people I have met are all so nice and incredibly smart and talented. Oh! I am just thrilled about my anatomy lab partners! They are both cool as can be, we communicate well and work very well together. You can meet the nicest people in the world, but that does not guarantee that you will be able to work well with them. We lucked out and I could not be happier.

In other happy news, I will be making my first, albeit short, trip back to Dallas in one week! Leaving with Abner on Friday afternoon, spending Saturday there, then coming back with my brother and Dustin on Sunday so that we can all go to the football game that night! I can not wait! Thinking positively and looking forward to the littlest of things. That's how I am going to make it through vet school.

***Thanks, Cristina, for encouraging me to write this!***

LDR

Am I really going to be this upset every time Dustin leaves College Station after spending the weekend here with me? I just want to cry, I am so sad. For the first five minutes after he had left, I laid in my bed, right next to the window, waiting to see if maybe he had forgotten something and was making his way up the stairs back to me. He never did. He is well on his way home to Dallas now while I am still here feeling all sorts of down.

It wouldn't be so bad except I know that I won't be seeing him next weekend and will instead have to go nearly two weeks without seeing him... Sad daisy. Yes, there are couples who go longer, much longer, without seeing each other, but this is all new to me so being this upset is completely reasonable, right?

I better get busy. First day of classes tomorrow. The beginning of my ridiculously busy schedule. I need to make sure I am as close to one-hundred percent ready as I can be.

howdy hey

It must be required for a person to be friendly in order to be accepted into vet school. Everyone has been so kind and chatty these past couple days. I am trying my best to learn names and not have to rely on the name tags that we are expected to wear (always!), but there are just so many students, so many faces. I look forward to really start to get to know my classmates and to start sharing this crazy experience with them. It's gonna be a good one.

Throughout orientation, different organizations and companies have been providing our breakfasts and lunches. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to enjoy them much. Yesterday's breakfast consisted of chicken sandwiches from Chick-Fil-A and today's consisted of breakfast tacos from Taco Cabana. I'm a vegetarian who doesn't eat eggs. Dang.

Lunch today was from Pei-Wei so I chowed down on some noodles and veggies. Although I don't believe in fortunes or horoscopes or such things, I thought it was funny that my fortune said that now is a good time for me to make new friends. I already knew that, though! Duh.

On with the remainder of my afternoon! Last day of orientation tomorrow, finally. :)

Trouble already.

Today was going well. I woke up early to catch the seven o'clock bus, which took me to campus. From there, I grabbed another bus at 7:25 to take me to the vet school. I was at the vet school by 7:35. Very good. So regardless of traffic, regardless of weather, and regardless of that blasted train that passes right through the middle of College Station, I should have little to no problem making it to my eight o'clock class Tuesday through Thursday. Riding my bicycle would be twenty minutes faster, but with this heat, the ride is not very pleasant and I will arrive at school drenched in sweat. I don't mind getting sweaty, mind you, but when our appearance is expected to be professional... Well, I just can't have it. Once the weather cools down, I'll definitely be biking.

Anyhow, yes, today started off well. I was pleased with the buses and later on, I took another trip on them to have my picture taken for school. After I got home from that, I decided to relax a little and made myself a nice, big avocado sandwich with lettuce and mustard. Unfortunately, it was too big. When I opened my mouth to take my first bite, I opened too wide and my jaw popped. I tried to pop it back into place, but couldn't. It hurt, like a headache on the side of my face. I was still unbelievably hungry, though, and my beautiful sandwich was still sitting on the counter. I took a couple of bites, chewed, and started crying. The pain was absolutely excruciating.The only time I have felt pain worse than that was when I had two of my molars crushed and pulled out.

 After discussions about my unfortunate accident with my parents and my Dustin, I decided to ride my bike down the street to HEB for ibuprofen and soft foods. Thank goodness they actually had vegan yogurt! For dinner I had mashed potatoes and wheat bread. The only way I was able to eat the bread was by tearing off pieces of it, putting them in my mouth, letting them soak down, and then "chewing" them with my tongue. Not fun, but at least I ate. The pain isn't as bad now, and hopefully will be even less noticeable tomorrow. Depending on how it feels, I just might have to go to the campus health center. Fun fun.

All this the day before Orientation. [sigh] I must stay positive and hope that tomorrow, my jaw won't hurt too much for me to smile. Fingers are crossed, hopes are high. Good night.

Back in Aggieland

The weeks leading to my move were too hectic for me to find the time or the right state of mind to blog. My birthday passed, my going-away party was thrown, I had good times with my Dallas friends and buddies,  and I spent quality time with my family and Dustin. The days since my last post flew, just as I had expected them to.

In all the madness, my beloved boy, Canelo Dog, got a urinary tract infection. It started off with him vomiting his dinner on Wednesday night, which I initially blew off (he usually does that when he eats too fast). Then I realized that he would not stop heaving. Sure enough, two hours later, more vomiting and a lot of restlessness. At three in the morning, he threw up for the third time, yellow bile so I knew his stomach was empty. The following day, he was fasted, I syringe-fed him Pedialyte, and injected him with subcutaneous fluids. No more vomiting. At that point, I thought maybe the issue was anxiety. Our room at the time was an utter mess, with boxes covering the floor, stacked on each other, crowding us into discomfort. By Friday, however, I had noticed blood in his urine, and ruled out mere anxiety as the cause for his sickness. He had an infection and needed antibiotics. Thankfully, my best friend Cent works for the Humane Society and GAVE us the meds needed. Awesome awesome awesome.

The trip here wasn't easy for my babies, all five of us crowded into the back seat of my Dad's pickup, while Dad and Dustin rode up front. Smartie pooped in her kennel and got carsick. Miguel couldn't get comfortable and missed his nap. Cholula hated riding in the kennel, and Canelo just did not have enough space. Oh, but we made it! They're settling into our new place, Cholula being the most thrilled of them all. She is happy running from room to room to explore. My sweet princess.

[sigh] Mom had a rough time saying goodbye to me. I had a rough time saying goodbye to Dustin. Thank goodness for cell phones, eh? So the next four years of my life begin. On to FINALLY become a doctor, a doctor to the cutest patients on the planet. I'm ready! :)

I didn't know this photo existed.

Three things I love: laughing, dancing, Dustin. This picture involves them all. Greatness!

A home away from home.

The trip to College Station over the weekend was very successful. I now have a place to move into next month, which takes an enormous weight off my shoulders. I still have much to stress about, mind you, but having my housing situation taken care of is huge.

I am very happy and pleased with the apartment I will be moving into. A short walk across the street from my place is a nice little park for Canelo Dog and me to frequent. The apartment grounds themselves have an abundance of green space for me to walk him and plenty of those baggie-dispensers for cleaning up after dogs (that's how you know an apartment complex is pet-friendly). There are also two swimming pools, two jacuzzis, two lighted basketball courts, two lighted tennis courts, a sand volleyball court, a twenty-four hour fitness center, gazebo-covered grills spotted across the grounds, and on-site laundry facilities. Flippin' perfect. Water, gas, cable, and high-speed internet are included in my rent, which is very nice because it means less bills for me to pay. The bus route includes three stops along the complex and, best of all... HUGE WALK-IN CLOSETS. I am so thrilled, although I do admit that I have way too much clothes!

Dustin made the trip to College Station with me, which meant more to me than I can ever tell. I need his opinion when it comes to making a huge decision like where I will be living for at least the next year if not the next four. It's comforting to have his approval, it makes me feel more secure about the choice I have made. It was also nice to show him where I'll be living, where I'll be when I am away from him, where I'll be when I tell him that I miss him. My brother mentioned that he will be driving to College Station and spending the weekend there anytime there is a home football game. I asked Dustin if he'd maybe want to ride with my brother so that he can visit me as well and not have to worry about dealing with the drive himself. I think he's up for the idea! Depending on his Longhorns' football schedule, I may skip out on going to the A&M games myself and instead join him in watching the Horns, which is absolutely fine with me as long as I spend time with my man. It may seem ridiculous for me to forgo watching my Aggies, but I have lived in Dallas the past five football seasons. Rarely was a game televised. I am quite accustomed to not being able to watch them! Dustin on the other hand? No way he can miss a game, so UT Football it is!

As for my previous post? Long ago, I dedided to stop being a pessimist. I need to let go of that fear and enjoy all that is good and great and wonderful about our relationship. I love Dustin so much and should not allow our time together to be spoiled by my feelings of doubt and insecurity. He loves me too. He wouldn't have made that trip to College Station with me if he didn't. Nor would he have taken me to see the new Harry Potter movie (real talk!). I say this all the time when it comes to Dustin: I'm such a lucky gal.

I'm down.

In just one night, my future has become a projection of uncertainty. I want to be optimistic and hope for a happy ending, but I can't shake feeling that I'm in for hurt and heartbreak and there is nothing I can do to stop it. That's the thing about being in love: your happiness is not dependent on you. It lies in the hands of another person. You can't make that person happy so that person leaves taking your own happiness with him. Nobody wins. I'm very sad right now. He keeps asking if I'm okay, but I'm only as okay as I can be. Today, we're going to College Station to take care of my housing situation. Up until last night, the plan was for me to move to College Station, finish school, move back to Dallas, and spend the rest of my life with Dustin. The seed of doubt has been planted, though, and I don't know what's in store for us as a couple. I'm trying to find at least some comfort in the fact I'm about to start making my way towards becoming a doctor and that he is very supportive of that, but it's not really working. I'll have to take it day by day, I guess. Sucks.

Le sigh.

With only four weeks to go, the anxiety has finally hit. So much so that I dream about it when I should be resting my mind. So much so that I woke up crying about it this morning. There is just tons to do. It would help if I could talk to the people I love about it, but I feel that they don't want to acknowledge that I'm leaving and thus, won't partake in such a conversation. Every time I bring it up, they either get quiet or answer me with short responses so I end up changing the subject. It sucks. I want some support and feedback. Really the only person I've been able to talk to as of lately is my brother. No one is more excited about the move than he is. Not even me.

I better get ready for work.

Currently

Just a few items:

• I know I'm a nerd when I get overly excited about joining a student club called "The Texas A&M University Student Chapter of the American College of Veterinary Internal Medicine." Like, seriously. I went through photographs of their meetings and activities... Oh, the technology that we get to use! I can not wait! I also plan to join the Zoo, Exotics, and Wildlife club, mostly because ferrets, guinea pigs, and birds fall under this group. Other than that, I do not know. Green Vets, Sheltering Vets, or the club pertaining to animal behavior.

• When filling out the immense amount of paperwork that I must complete (as of lately, it has been paperwork regarding housing and financial aid), I immediately and by instinct begin to list family members as references/emergency contacts. Then I remember that I have a wonderful man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me and who really ought to be one of the main contacts. I am so, so lucky. I love my Dustin.

• I can't help but wonder what my critters will think about the move. Smartie and Miguel, I'm sure, will think nothing of it. Actually, I think they will prefer to live in an apartment with me as the only human inhabitant, no other person to tell them what to do. Just me, the girl who lets them climb on anything, sleep on anything, scratch anything... They are going to love it! Cholula Belle will be thrilled as well. As my little explorer, I am sure she is going to have a tremendously wonderful time getting to know the new place and squeezing her butt into new locales. Canelo Dog is the one I worry about. He has his routine here in Dallas. He knows how to tell when I'm home, he knows to stay in my bedroom unless spoken to, he knows to go directly into my bedroom after our walks and await his treat, he knows where to turn when we go on our walks. [sigh] I like to think that as long as he is with me, he will be happy. My sweet old dog.

I better get on with my day. It's past three already. Blah!

July is here and I am here.

Summer has not gotten any better. The entire month of June, I was overwhelmed with boredom and monotony, especially on my days off. I am looking forward to this month being better, much better, than the last, but geeze, I really shouldn't get my hopes and expectations up. Instead, I should simply allow things to happen on their own. I do have quite a few weekend days off from work this month, however, which should help. We'll see. Even with the monotony, I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't wish for changes because oooo-weee, changes are coming and they are coming soon!

I feel the need to mention that I hate being told what to do. By anyone and everyone. Even the smallest commands like being told to text so-and-so can irritate all sweetness out of me. Ask this person that, tell that person this, do this, go there... Blarf. I think this is why I am looking forward to living all by my lonesome self so badly. Sans roomates. I hope I'm ready for it because my time in Dallas is winding down quickly. I am anxious to feel anxious. For now, I am still calm. Just wait, though. When it hits me, it's gonna knock the shit out of me and will be be a wretched mess. Oh joy, what fun I have awaiting me!

I do love summer.

One night of inexpensive summer fun and I feel like deleting my previous post. Thank you, life. It was just what I needed.

Bunk summer?

As much as I love summer, I do not think that I will be able to enjoy it much this year. It's disheartening to see photos of friends floating the Guadalupe River, making trips to Vegas and Cali, visiting Port Aransas, taking boats out on the area lakes, flying to the beaches of my beautiful Mexico, and realizing that I can't do any of those things, no matter how badly I want to. I don't even know if I can go to freakin' Six Flags or Hurricane Harbor. I just can not afford it. I have only two months until my last day at work, which translates to only four paychecks until I am an unemployed, full-time student again. Most of my money has to go to vet school necessities, vaccines and books being the most expensive of those necessities. I guess making my dreams come true requires sacrifice. That's okay. It will all be very worth it and I will live it up one day. <3

Weekend o' fun.

Happy to say that I, for once, had an amazing holiday weekend. Working in the field that I do, holidays and weekends are almost nonexistent, so I rarely am able to enjoy extended weekends like most people do. Thanks to a co-worker who needed me to switch days with her, though, I got yesterday off and today, the hospital was closed. Oh, it was nice!

I spent the weekend with my Dustin, relaxing at/in the pool, hanging with his friends, watching Sopranos, winning trivia at the bar, pigging out on pizza, grilling by the pool. It was so perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I'm so happy.

To make things better, I'm not quite back to reality yet. Since I work on weekends, I'm off during the week. No work tomorrow or the day after... Life is great!

Another Daisy Day.

I'm writing this as I watch the Mavs. Western Conference Finals, baby!

Work today was weird. It started with a grown-ass man bawling his eyes out over his very ill dog. There is something incredibly heartbreaking about seeing a man cry inconsolably over his pet. I knew how he felt, I wanted to hug him, I wanted to thank him for loving his dog so much, and I wish there were people like him in this world. Tillie, your dad loves you, sweet girl.

The rest of the day was uneventful, and its banality soon made me forget the emotional start. Fortunately, I got off at a good time, though, and was able to run on the trail this evening. The best part about going out for a run, besides the health benefits, is definitely the cooling down (the walking). I do a lot of thinking when I walk alone, no phone nor Canelo Dog to distract me. It does me so much good. There is no better way for me to relax... Well, besides chilling in a pool!

Gah, I wanna go to the pool!

All I write about is vet school.

Good news! I finally received my packet from vet school earlier this week. It's the packet with my new email accounts, instructions on how to sign in to the vet school web portal, how to sign up to have a mentor, information about orientation, a list of the student organizations on campus, and that dreaded supply list. There will be plenty of shopping for me to do this summer. Lab coats, coveralls, stethoscope, dissection kit, and books books books! Thank goodness they sent the supply list so early. It gives me time to get everything I need.

Today was hectic, because of vet school preparations. I was all over town getting documents together so that I can apply for a very, very important scholarship, one that I am almost guaranteed to get simply because I have two foreign-born parents. Today involved going to Eastfield for a financial aid transcript, then going to Kinkos to 1) print a pdf copy of my tax return from my travel drive, 2) make copies of my parents' tax return and W2s along with my own W2, and 3) fax financial aid transcript requests to TCU and A&M. After that, I came home to update my FAFSA application. As a professional student in the health field, I need to include my parents' information on my application in order to get even more federal help. Gotta get that money! Gotta pay for my place, my food, my babies' food, and freakin' health insurance!

One thing that I was completely excited about when I got my packet: by joining the Student Chapter of the American Veterinary Medical Association at A&M, I will be able to purchase Science Diet pet food for 80% off! Awesome, since that's what Canelo, Miguel, and Smartie already eat. I currently get it through work for a reasonable discount, but 80% off?! Wowzers. They'll be better fed than I am!

The countdown continues: 95 days until my first day of school.

One more thing...

GO MAVS!!!

Shining.

You can’t let others’ negativity get you down. You can’t let their crappy attitude or their jealousy or their unkindness affect you. Fuck them. Let it roll right off your shoulders. Flip it away with your gorgeous hair. Be better than them, be more fabulous than they are, enjoy life more than they do. Smile, laugh, and love always, regardless of people’s shitty manners.

I personally can not stand ugly people. As much as I want to slap the repulsive out of them, I find it better to simply shine in their faces. Shine, shine away.

Life has given me a great reason to shine and glow and flow, but being accepted into vet school also gives me reason to stress. I really need to start saving money, but I also need to spend money. I need a bike to get around town on. I need to spend hundreds on getting vaccinated before the semester begins. I’m going to have to buy a water filter because tap water in College Station, TX is damn near disgusting. I need school supplies. I need to buy textbooks. I need to pay off my balance at work. I need to stock up on pet supplies for my beloved babies. I need to pay a pet deposit so that my beloved babies can go with me. I need to find a place to pay a pet deposit to! Where am I going to live? I need a place close to campus so that I can check on my beloved babies during my lunch breaks. I need a place close to a decent grocery store so that I can ride to it on my bicycle, the one that I have yet to purchase. How am I going to pay for groceries? I’m going to be so broke! How am I going to be able to hold a job while taking eighteen credit hours a semester?! When will I have time to study? When will I have time to relax?

And how am I supposed to live away from my Dustin and be okay? L

Still, I remind myself of the fact that this is my dream coming true. I’ve wanted to be a veterinarian since I was seven years old… That’s almost twenty years. I have worked my ass off since high school, making the grades, getting the experience, earning the respect, never losing sight of how badly I’ve wanted this. This is it for me. This is me reaching my ultimate goal, finally! How can I not be happy?

Charlie Sheen may be winning, but Daisy Martinez is shining. Duh.

Dang.

I wish I could write that I haven't cried since the last time I wrote, and had I posted this just an hour ago, I would have actually been able to, but now? I am, once again, bawling my eyes out.

No matter how good life is to me -and it has been good, what with my vacation from work this week and the news that I've been accepted into vet school- I always manage to fuck things up somehow. I always end up in tears and down, way down, from my high. I always end up questioning why I can't simply enjoy life.

Then I feel much too dramatic and stupid. Life isn't perfect. At twenty-six, I should know that by now.

Daisy Downer

I have cried way too much this year already. Talk about feeling drained. Still, people see me as a happy person, and generally I am. I just can't count the number of times I've wished I could take my animals and go far, far away.

Oh well.