I had to do it.

I deactivated my Facebook account.

When I logged in this morning, half the posts made by my friends were about the awesome weekends they each have ahead of them. Several friends are going to tomorrow night's ballgame in Arlington. A few are going to tomorrow's Aggie football game. A few more will be going to The State Fair. A small group of friends is going to a haunted house tonight. There are plans for costume shopping and pumpkin patches and all sorts of fun October activities. One of my friends is even going on a weekend getaway with her husband. Another just landed in Vegas.

Not what I need to see or read about all weekend. Account deactivated.

Have a splendid day.

Robot Daisy?

What's the saddest music to have ever been recorded? Whatever it is, I want to listen to it. I can't think of anything right now because I typically don't listen to sad music. I'm usually a happy daisy, you know? The only song that comes to mind, because it is currently a hit, I believe, is Adele's Someone Like You. Saddest films? I have that down: The Pianist and Atonement. I actually think I'll watch the latter tomorrow night since I won't have anything better to do, since I'll be alone.

I want to be numb and not give a damn, but I fear becoming a total bitch and worsening the situation. I just can't allow myself to be so upset, though. It is actually the last thing I need right now. The last thing I need this semester.

Whyyyyyyyy?

I'm back.

I have reluctantly made my way back to College Station after spending less than two days in Dallas. No where near enough time. I spent the majority of the weekend studying, which makes things that much sadder. Still, I spent so much time with my sweet Dustin. Even with a brief unpleasant moment, it was still a wonderful weekend with him.

Let's just say that I was a bitch and pissed him off. He reacted as strongly as you would expect a man to and said some nasty, hurtful things to me. He loves me, though. It didn't take long for him to apologize to me. At that point, I let all my frustration, the frustration caused by school that is, I let it all out and had myself a very good crying session, all while his arms comforted me. I felt how much he loves me, I wish he could comfort me like that all the time. He would if he could, if he was with me at all times. Of course, that is not the case and I end up holding things in until he is with me. I can not imagine life without him. I haven't been able to for a very long time now.

I also got a much-needed hug from my Mom, although she was not and is still not aware of how drained and disappointed I have been feeling as of lately. No need to make her worry. Just gotta let her keep on supporting me and loving me and cheering me on. That wonderful lady spent most of today in the kitchen making a variety of food for me to bring back to College Station with me. I will be well-fed all this week because of her. It reminds me of how much I miss her cooking for me!

I realize that I write a lot about Dustin and my Mom. Here's the bottom line: I want to be taken care of.

Fending for myself isn't all that fun. Ah well. It must be done.

I do love me some sports!

Dustin and I both made posts about the Detroit-New York game seconds within one another. It wasn't even a game involving our team, but it does affect our Rangers, I guess. Still, it is just further proof that he and I are absolutely perfect together. I love my sports-lovin' man!

Since I'm on the topic of sports, earlier this week, after the Cowboys epic fail against, coincidentally, Detroit, Dirk made a tweet in reference to Tony Romo. Actually, I should say, it was directed at Tony Romo. Something along the lines of encouraging Romo not to be too hung up on the loss (although, seriously, dude CHOKED) and to not listen to all his critics and those who doubt him. Dirk mentioned that he had his own critics as well and pointed out that he was finally able to shut them up.

Dirk, I love you and that was very kind of you, but you are DIRK NOWITZKI. Romo doesn't even begin to compare to you. As we say in Spanish, "No te llega ni a los talones," and that's not just because you're seven-feet tall. For real.

I better get back to studying. Go Rangers!

Tommorrow, tomorrow

I'm going home tomorrow afternoon. This week was rough and disappointing and has left me feeling like I am in a huge hole that I myself dug. Simply put, it sucks. I can not wait to be home tomorrow and get a hug from my Mom, whom I haven't seen in over a month (sad daisy). I miss her. I miss her encouragement and her taking care of me. I even miss our arguments. I definitely miss her cooking! Sometimes I wish she would come stay with me for a week, but man, what a drag that would be for her! Hahaha What the hell would she do here all day?!

I'll see her and hug her tomorrow, though. My number one fan, I love her.

Done with September

My first post for the month of October and hopefully, not my only one!

Boy, howdy, vet school keeps me busy! Take last week for example, starting with September 23rd. It was a Friday. On Fridays, my classes are over by noon, which is really nice. That Friday, however, I stayed on campus for quite a while. First, an optional exam review at noon, which went on until about one. Then, a quick lunch at the teaching hospital's cafeteria. Afterwards, I spent a few hours in the anatomy lab studying. I would have stayed longer, but was kicked out at five when the lab closed. This actually upset me. So then I went upstairs to the histology lab and studied there til about 6:15. Quite a Friday, huh?

Saturday was my day off. Dustin was in town, we went to the football game, etc. Sunday, I spent most of my day at the anatomy lab again. Monday the 26th, I had an exam in the afternoon. I was out of classes at five that day, but stayed in the anatomy lab until about seven. Tuesday, I had an exam in the afternoon, was out of classes at five, but stayed at the vet school until 6:30 working on a group project. Wednesday, I was out of classes at three, but stayed in the anatomy lab until 5:30. Thursday, out of classes at five and stayed at the library until eight. Friday, done with classes at noon, but had an exam from one to five.

Keep in mind that even after going home, I would stay up late studying (after taking care of other basic tasks such as eating, scooping litter boxes, walking Canelo, and showering) and that I wake up at six every morning to walk my dog, eat breakfast, get ready, catch the first bus, and make it to class by eight.

I had another exam today so I spent the entire weekend studying with occasional glances at the A&M, Cowboys, and Rangers games. I have another exam in a week. This plus a weekly homework assignment that is always due on Tuesdays, a quiz every Monday, a quiz every Tuesday, and a quiz every Friday.

This is my life.

Tonight was actually my night to take it easy and by that I mean that I finally did laundry after neglecting it for over two weeks. I did dishes after neglecting them for a few days, I cleaned the kitchen, I picked things up around the apartment, I am making it livable and cute again.

One of my neighbors has a balcony that is about half the size of mine and she has it entirely full with flower pots and plants and table and chair set. Last night, as I was walking Canelo, I noticed that her balcony door was open and that her two cats were sitting on the balcony taking in the fresh, cool air. I want that. I want a balcony full of plants and I want furniture out there. As big as my balcony is, all that is out there is a bicycle and one lonely chair. I want to change that. It's not only my balcony either. This entire apartment needs more personalization. I really need to make it mine, add my own decorative touches, make it my home. When, though? And with what money?

Hmmm. I need to shower and do homework.

redone done it

I deleted my last post. Something about its font was off and it was just bothering me. I copied it, though, and am pasting it here. Here's hoping it looks okay:

Originally posted Monday, September 26, 2011

I don’t mind the studying. I don’t mind the lack of free time. I don’t mind that I can’t watch an entire football game or baseball game or movie. I don’t mind that I spend way more time at school than I do at home. Really, I pay rent for this place because it’s more of a home to my animals than it is to me. I don’t mind any of that. It was expected. I am, after all, trying to become a doctor.

What I do mind is being so alone. I mind being away from my Dustin. I mind having to go nearly three weeks without a comforting hug from him or a loving kiss or an encouraging smile. I miss him so much, I really do. I want him here with me. I want him to take me to and from school. I want him to bring me food. I want him to walk my dog when I’m studying. I want him to hug me hello and goodbye at the beginning and end of each day. I want him to hold me late at night. I want him here making me laugh. I want to ride around town in his car with the music on and listen to him sing along. I want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to make a mess in this apartment. I want the shower to smell like him. I want a collection of his cigarette butts to start forming on the balcony. I want to see his beard trimmings all over the bathroom sink. I want to hear him talk in his sleep at night. I want to attempt to tickle him. I want to hear him complain about how gross his hair is if has been sweating. I want to watch him snuggle with my dog. I want to take a nap on the couch with him. I want to hold his hand. I want to run my fingers through his hair even when he claims it is gross. I want to hear him complain about how hot it is. I just want to be with him. I don’t want to be so far away from him. I don’t want to go so long without seeing him.I’m like this every time he leaves. I get so sad.

I cried all while typing this. There is no denying that I am absolutely in love with the man. We’ll be together again soon and eventually, we’ll be together forever. I have so much to look forward to in life. I am so, so lucky.

Another day in which to excel.

One of the deans at school always says that. Everyday is another day in which to excel. Sometimes, I just don't feel like excelling. All I want to do is sleep. Today is such a day, but alas, I have a full day of school ahead of me complete with a physiology exam at ten this morning.

I'm sitting in bed still, I've been awake for about an hour. I'm trying to review my notes here on my laptop, but I'm at the point where I decide that I either know it or I don't. I feel that I know it, the exam material that is, and that I know it pretty damn well. Hopefully, I can master this exam. I need to. My confidence needs me to as well.

Canelo is by my bed whining. He wants to go outside. Off we go.

Ten years ago.

I was only a few weeks into my senior year of high school. I had a bit of anxiety that day because I was supposed to take my senior picture and I just did not want to. School pictures and I never got along, I was not very good at doing my make up, and I hated the black tops they made us wear. The night before I told my mom that I wasn't going to take the picture. She, of course, told me that I better. Ugh.

The morning of September 11th, however, I was scheduled to go on a field trip with my fourth year French class. We were going to go to The Federal Reserve Bank in downtown Dallas and have some very important people with very lucrative jobs tell us how beneficial it was to learn a foreign language. Our group would divide in the afternoon to explore job opportunities in different fields and again, somehow relate knowing a foreign language to being successful in each field. I was not excited about the afternoon agenda. I would be separated from my friends, while they all divided up into groups together.

As was common with me, I woke up that morning with barely enough time to make it to school. Unlike some of my classmates, I didn't have time to turn on a television in the morning. School was only two blocks from home, so I didn't listen to the radio on the way to school either. I just walked. When I arrived, I put my things in my locker and then went back outside to the front of the building where the bus was waiting for us. My friends were all talking about things like Homecoming and those blasted senior pictures. Only one of them mentioned New York and then others mentioned that they saw or heard something about it as well . A plane crashed into a building. That was that.

We eventually loaded up on the buses and made it to downtown. It was only a few minutes from school. When we got in the building, we were taken up some elevators and into a dining area where we were served an amazing breakfast. Perfect because, as I mentioned, I was always on the run in the mornings. No time to eat. Someone spoke to us while we ate, I don't remember what about. I didn't really care. I knew then that I wanted to work with animals. Whatever this man in his fancy suit had to say did not interest me. My thoughts were instead on my damn senior picture. If this field trip took long enough, maybe I wouldn't make it back to school in time to take my picture. I knew that I would, of course, but it was the perfect lie to tell my mother. Yes, I would have lied to her, I was a teenager then.

I can't remember all the details. A group of adults (my friends, classmates, and I weren't adults quite yet) gathered away from us by the entrance of the dining room. Eventually, one of them went up to the podium and told us that they were all sorry, but that our trip could not continue. We had to go back to our school because downtown was being evacuated. The country was under attack.

The severity of the situation had not hit me. On the bus ride home, I pulled my cell phone out and realized that I had a voice message from my mom. She was wondering where I was. She knew my field trip involved going to some building in downtown and had become aware that all of downtown was being evacuated. Other students also had missed calls and voicemails from their parents. When they returned the calls, a lot of them were told that their parents were already waiting for them at school. What was the big deal?

The bus started making loud, rattling noises as we neared school. We all joked, "Oh no, this bus is under attack!" How foolish of us, but really, we just had no idea. Maybe everyone had been misinformed. Maybe all the adults were overreacting. Maybe it was just some freak accident. What did anything happening in New York have to do with us in Dallas? We did not know. We had not seen images of a second plane hitting. We did not know that the Pentagon was attacked as well. We didn't know how bad it all was.

Then we got to school.

Some of the students did, in fact, have parents waiting for them at school and so they went home. As for the rest of us... Did we have to go to our classes? Technically, we were excused for most of the day. Some kids decided to just skip their classes and hang out in the journalism room all day. Some of my friends went to the bathroom to get all dolled up for their senior pictures and subsequently take those pictures in the auditorium. That was the last thing my best friend Cynthia and I wanted to do. We went to the French class. The television was on.

Finally, it hit us.

I don't remember if I cried then and there. I may have. My eyes must have at least watered up. The rest of the day? Oh, you know... It was high school. The class clowns were cracking jokes, the "freaks" were talking about how the U.S. had it coming, some people still did not care. When the bell rang, Cynthia and I left the French room and I went to our third period class. Our teacher had the radio on and was so serious, his face in his hands almost the entire time. When it wasn't, he just sat back in his chair with his arms crossed and his head shaking. He was in such disbelief. It was weird to see him that way, he was such an easy-going guy.

For my fourth period class (we only had four classes a day), I was finally separated from Cynthia. No one went to that last class. The few of us who did just sat there and watched TV again. At some point, I don't remember when, I did go downstairs to the auditorium to take my picture. I wanted to make my mom happy. How insignificant did it all seem now. How anxious I was about having to take it. I was upset about not being in the same afternoon field trip group as all my friends. Such trivial things! So damn silly of me.

I went home after school and just stayed with my family. That was my day. That's how I remember it. It didn't start carefree because I was a total nut who worried about the stupidest of things (in my defense, I was seventeen at the time). In a way, I almost became more carefree in the days that followed. The dumb little things that I gave priority to before did not matter as much. To be honest, neither did the not-so-dumb little things. Who could focus on school with the news that was being thrown at us day in and day out? Even then, I was socially aware and liked to stay up to date on current events. School kinda suffered and so did college applications. Ah, well. I am lucky in that the impact that day had on my life wasn't very intense. No one I knew passed away and nobody joined the military. Peace.

I'm a sad/lonely daisy.

I really wish he could stay. I wish I could have him here with me all the time, not just every other weekend. I am such a disaster when he leaves, and probably will be all week since I don't have this weekend to look forward to because I won't be seeing him. Last week led up to me seeing him, and it was great! I was so excited and so happy! Weeks leading up to lonely weekends? Not so much. All I do is miss him. It's rough. It's just as hard, if not harder, as I expected it to be.

I know I have to get myself together. Especially given that I have an exam in less than three hours and another on Friday. Life, help me.